At least I know where I stand

From time to time, I like to ask some of my younger children paradoxical, soul-searching questions (since they aren't supposed to be able to think abstractly). For example, "who do you like best, your grandma or your grandpa?" (I love those ethical choice books where they give you dilemmas no one would ever be comfortable deciding). My kids never answer the questions by choosing one or the other; instead, they say, "Dad, I like grandma AND grandpa." I guess it is partly a way to joke around with them and partly a way to help them begin thinking a little bit about complex things.

So tonight, while we were driving to the grocery store, I asked my 7 year old son the following: "If everyone on the earth was going to die except for you and one other person, and you got to decide who the other person would be, who would you choose?" I could see the wheels spinning as he thought about it. Pleased I had stumped him, I grinned as he sincerely said, "Dad, I couldn't choose just one person." I knew what that meant: he would want to keep both me AND his mother alive, and maybe one or two of his siblings (a very different answer than what my oldest teenage son would give, by the way).

I gave him a little leeway. "OK, what if you could keep more than one person, like maybe 5 or 10 people?" His face lit up; he had enough room now for most of the important people in his life. "Oh, I know. Alright, I would choose Santa, the Easter Bunny, and all of the people on the Mayflower."

Maybe the first two were a little self-serving. But the folks on the Mayflower--that was purely altruistic. :)

I didn't have the heart to tell him the unfortunate news about any of his choices.

That stinks! Or does it?

When I was in junior high, a counselor came to one of my classes and administered a social skills survey. The school wanted to find out how socially-adept 8th graders truly are in a number of subject areas. I remember only one of the questions: If your best friend had really bad breath, would you tell him/her?

The survey was multiple choice. I believe I selected the answer, "No, it may hurt his/her feelings." We graded the survey (an interesting concept), talking through the "correct" answer to each question. Apparently, my social skill judgment was lacking, because the right answer to the question was that a real friend would make sure his/her best friend knew about the smelly breath situation so something could be done about it.

It is now many years later, and I am amazed at the number of times someone has told me that their significant other smells awful, but they just do not know how to break the news to them. In some cases, this has led a person to decide they married the wrong person. In others, it has built up a quiet resentment that one partner has learned to associate with the other in a powerful, sometimes even subconscious, way. Rather than have a discussion about body odor, oral hygiene or using a less-potent cologne, the person silently goes on resenting the foul-smelling partner. Maybe the junior high counselor's social skills survey was correct!

The interesting thing about smells, however, is that they are relatively subjective. What smells like stinky cheese to one person is a delicacy to another. One person's attractive perfume is another's allergy-inducing nightmare. I had a friend in high school who always made sure that her closest friends ate whatever she did so that their breath would all smell similar. "Here, eat some garlic bread, or else I'll smell awful to you the rest of the day." Now, those are some serious social skills! Making it a matter-of-fact, if not almost humorous, discussion while at the same time implementing a practical solution.

Here are some things to think about if your relationship "stinks":

1) Because many odors are caused by bacteria in the mouth after eating rather than by the food itself, even a sweet treat like chocolate or a refreshing glass of milk can turn sour-smelling in a matter of minutes. (How would you like to kiss a glass of curdled milk after breakfast each morning?). Speaking of bacteria, anywhere bacteria is allowed to grow will generate an unpleasant smell. Perspiration, in and of itself, does not stink and neither do most body fluids. Instead, it is the bacteria generated when bodily secretions find a warm, moist place to live. Not that all bacteria is bad or that a person needs to be hyper-sensitive, but if you think you have a problem, some preventative or curative action may be in order.

2) I mentioned earlier the strategy of making sure both partners eat the same type of food when indulging in anything smelly in order to balance out the smell continuum. But, do not forget the other end of the scale. If one person uses mouthwash or minty chewing gum and the other doesn't, the one who does nothing is likely to smell funny to the one who does. So, in a sense, when you use mouthwash, you are improving the smell of your breath while worsening the smell of your partner's breath simultaneously.

2) If your partner is brave enough to mention that there is an unpleasant odor coming from your mouth or from your body, try to see it as a positive sign that the person wants to be close to you rather than as an insult to your personal hygiene, or even worse, your self-image. Take the message seriously and make an effort to correct the situation. If you don't, it may be the last time he or she trusts you with this type of information.

3) Some particularly-strong odors may be a sign of an underlying medical condition that may warrant further investigation.

4) Part of the normal sexual response cycle temporarily suppresses both partners senses of smell. That is probably a good thing--or you and I may never have been born. The sense of smell returns very soon on the post-climax side of the response cycle, especially for men. Which may be part of the reason some do not enjoy postlude chats as much as they might otherwise.

5) Do not underestimate the power of smell, both negatively and positively, to change behavior. Psychologists have used poor-smelling and sweet-smelling fragrances for years to condition the mind to like or dislike certain things. You have done this too...you just may not have noticed it. The odors, pleasant and otherwise, you emit help shape the responses of those around you. Because smells are subjective, it is important to learn which your partner enjoys and which bother her or him. Now, think of all the non-food fragrances that are part of your life. Lotion, shampoo, conditioner, hair spray/gel, toothpaste, deodorant, cologne/perfume, shaving cream, hand soap, laundry detergent...the list can be endless. Learn to use the power of smell to create a powerful bond with your partner rather than to place an invisible wedge between the two of you.

Mother and Teenager

No words needed...

My 10-year-old and the Spirit of Christmas

Conversation tonight with R., my 10-year-old.

Me: We have to get you guys earning some money so you can buy each other some Christmas gifts.

R: What? You mean we have to earn our own money to buy them (meaning brothers and sisters) presents?

Me: Yup.

R: (Perplexed and whining) That stinks! Why would I spend my money to get them a present, when I could just use the money to buy something for myself?

Me: What do you mean?

R: I mean, if I go to the trouble of working to earn money, why would I spend that money for a present for someone else. I could just buy myself something with that money.

Me: Oh, so if it is my money, then you don't mind buying something for others with it, but if it is your own money, you want to buy things for yourself?

R: (Relieved that I may finally be getting his point): Exactly!

Don't forget to unlock the door

When I was a child, one of our favorite things to do was stay the night as a family at my grandparents' house when they were out of town. There were all kinds of games to play and movies to watch. And they had a spa in their backyard.

But then there were the downsides of staying in a strange house. For example, creepy noises in the night and unfamiliar surroundings to encounter when stumbling around in the dark after hearing frightening sounds. Usually, the noises were my imagination. But, one night, they were real.

Around midnight, after I had been fast asleep for a few hours, I heard a thumping sound. "It's your imagination," I tried to convince myself. But then I heard it again: thump, thump, thump. I figured if I stayed in bed and ignored it, it would either go away or my parents would hear it and investigate. But the noise continued...thump, thump, thump. And then I heard a voice, "Tim, come open the door." It was my dad, pounding on the front door. I unlocked the door and let him in. He was wearing only a small bath towel. I guess he noticed the puzzled look on my face, because he offered an explanation: "We were in the hot tub and locked ourselves out of the house." That explained the door knocking, but it didn't explain why he was standing in the buff with only a towel for covering. He then proceeded promptly to the back door and unlocked it, letting my equally-sheepish-looking mom back inside. She also wore only a towel.

The next day, I learned the full story. My mom's sister suggested that she (my mom, that is, not my aunt) and my dad go skinny dipping in the spa after the kids went to bed, so they thought they would try it out. But, they locked themselves out and couldn't get back in. My dad tried to get through the side gate, but it too was locked, and the key was inside. They tried pounding on the back door, but no one responded. So, my dad donned his towel, and like a Matador mounting a bull after the kill, pounced onto and over the fence so that he could try knocking on the front door. Mind you, the fence was one of the types with spiky metal rods on top, which I'm sure added to the excitement of the occasion.

The strange thing is, it's not like my parents ever did anything very adventurous. Maybe this was why. Or maybe they did adventurous things regularly but never got caught (until now)?

My young ten-year-old brain made a quick mental note: "If you ever sneak out to skinny dip with your wife in the middle of the night, make sure to leave the door unlocked." Of course, that could lead to interesting problems of another kind if your children are not heavy sleepers. Still, consider some advance planning, please.

I never went in my grandparents' spa again after that night.