I was talking to a lady the other day who has spent more than 20 years working with children that have behavioral and developmental disabilities, particularly those with autism. She told me about one child with autism who was getting into power struggles with caregivers because he wanted to wear the same shirt every day. Something about the shirt brought him comfort and security, which is so important to a child with autism. But the caregiver did not want him wearing the same shirt each day because it would get dirty and needed washing. Plus it just didn't seem right to let him wear the same shirt each day, especially after he threw a tantrum about wanting to wear it.
After much deliberation, they purchased this child six different shirts that were exactly like the one he loved so that he could wear the same (yet fresh) shirt each day. He learned the importance of changing clothes and wearing clean shirts, and still felt secure and happy. It worked wonderfully. The power struggles were gone, and the boy did very well in the mornings.
Sounded like a great story. And then I started thinking about our 11 year old. He is obsessed with Alvin and the Chipmunks and begs to wear his red Alvin shirt to school each day. He went a few days without changing shirts when we first gave it to him, so we made a rule that he could only wear it once a week. He has done pretty well with that, but he still has some bad mornings and ends up arguing over it. He doesn't have autism, but he does have his difficult moments, sometimes fairly challenging moments. And, similar to a mild autism spectrum type of thing, he relishes routines, responds well to consistency and familiarity, and has a tremendous difficulty when things get too loud, chaotic or intense.
After reflecting on this lady's story, I wondered if we should have tried a similar approach with our child by buying him 6 more Alvin shirts and letting him wear one each day. Some would argue that you should absolutely not do this because it would be teaching him that he can have anything he wants and it would spoil him. Others would say if it is a child that has some challenging struggles, there are much more important things to save your power struggles for than a shirt. As long as they are clean, who cares?
After I went back and forth on it in my mind, I thought of one more reason that may have been a good idea to try with my son--maybe he would grow tired of it after wearing it every day for so long. At the pace he is on, I'm afraid he may be wearing an Alvin tee shirt to his high school graduation.
So, what is your take? You be the parent...which is the right way to go with this situation?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
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As a parent of an autistic child, you learn to really choose your battles and have a power struggle when it really counts and there is no alternative (think holding hands crossing the street). To understand his perspective is key: He isn't trying to show you who is boss (many people think that and it's wrong), but that the shirt brought him comfort in a confusing world, and to understand that the parent's real concern was clean clothes, the compromise reached was win-win. I believe purchasing the Alvin T-shirts would have been an example to your son that his mom and dad are willing to ignore social approval when it comes to helping him cope. Would he understand it on that level? Probably not, but he would understand mom and dad are willing to listen when he expresses his problems and difficulties and will try to find a way to help him. This builds trust - it isn't spoiling him (I think giving your 16 year old a new BMW fits that definition). Giving your son the choice to decide when he is finished wearing the shirt helps his life skills too. He won't wear that shirt forever, and when he decides to stop and he receives the appropriate praise for choosing to change his clothes, make a good decision, etc. he will learn from that experience. Often allowing my son to learn means I have to let go of my pride and just let others judge, if they must. This doesn't apply to you - I am making the personal comment that often if I really examine my motives for not accommodating my son,it is more about "what would others think" and less about "what is the downside to this?" The fact you are even considering this issue tells me what great parents you are indeed! You have support in me!
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