Gated communities

For the past two years (ever since we finished remodeling our house), my wife has been receiving weekly e-mails about houses that are for sale that match her vision of a place that has more room for always-growing teenagers. Looking at homes is a hobby she enjoys. For me, not so much. Just like I don't enjoy browsing greeting cards at the super market. I'm much more of a see it and grab it kind of person; never been a fan of window shopping.

Well, a particular house caught her attention about a week ago, so she decided to take the family for a drive to check it out (from the outside). I wasn't feeling well, so she agreed to drive if I would at least ride along and humor her. As we approached the neighborhood, we realized that the house was inside of a gated community. In my mind, that provided a simple answer: turn around and go home. However, in my wife's mind it provided a simple answer of a different sort: sneak in.

So, we waited outside of the place where you enter your secret combination to open the gate, but nobody came along that we could follow inside. But, someone was on their way out, so my wife quickly put the vehicle in gear and sped through the slowly-closing exit gate. Luckily, there were none of those spiky things that keep you from going into an area designed only for going out.

But that got me thinking. If my wife can figure out how to get a minivan full of people inside of this gated area, how much trouble would it really be for someone who wanted to rob or otherwise threaten the safety of the residents of the neighborhood?

I really have never understood gated communities. They certainly do not offer protection. I know many people who have been robbed or had property vandalized inside of very nice gated communities. In fact, in my mind they are kind of an open invitation to would-be thieves. Kind of like saying, "we've got some nice houses here that have some nice things inside of them, so we've put up a gate to make sure everyone knows this." If you wanted to maximize the value of your robbery, which one would you pick-- a neighborhood that appeared to have lots of valuable things in the homes or one that doesn't?

So, in honor of all the gated communities of the world, I offer my insider's list of fun ways to sneak into them:

Low tech ideas:

1) Follow a car in, maintaining a distance close enough to ensure the gates don't close on you, but far enough away not to seem overly-eager.

2) My wife's strategy--when you see someone coming out of the exit--you go in through the exit (and comment to the kids on the way "don't ever do what I just did whenever you have your drivers licenses).

3) Call a Realtor and tell them you'd like to view a property inside of the gated community. They will give you the code. Never show up for the appointment to see the house. Instead of buying a house, just sneak in at night and steal one.

4) Give the newspaper carrier, mail carrier, groundskeeper, pizza delivery guy or any number of other outside service people $20 if they will give you the code.

5) Stand near the key pad and watch the code that someone types in. Try it and you'll be surprised--they really will go ahead and type it in with you standing there. If you are nervous about being caught, grab a weed eater and wear a sun hat so you can pretend you are keeping the grounds.

High tech ideas:

1) Install a mini spy camera on the key pad to record the key strokes of someone entering their secret combination.

2) Drive through the gate with a tank, tearing it down as you go.

3) Place a wiretap on the phones of several strategic homes in the neighborhood and monitor their conversations day and night until they reveal the code to someone.

4) Enter #*##* on the keypad. I got a bulk e-mail that says it works on any gated community's keypad.

No offense to any who live within the security of a gated community--maybe we will someday. But, I really think the only people they keep out are those, like me, who WANT to keep the rules. Brave individuals like my wife can always find a way in!