Loss

In the field of family therapy, loss is a big subject. We all have lost something or someone, and the impact upon us varies from being mildly challenging to being devastating.

Some losses are easy to spot, such as losing someone to death. Others are fairly obvious, but we do not always stop to consider them as losses. Examples may include moving far away from a friend or loved one or going through a divorce. The excitement of a new place to live or the relief felt from gaining distance from the contention that often leads to a divorce sometimes masks the loss associated with such changes.

And then there are losses that we may not even recognize. For example, losing 50 pounds may seem like a dream come true, but it is likely accompanied by several types of losses (your old self, comfort food while watching David Letterman, a sedentary and comfortable lifestyle, and even the physical loss of fat causes your body to go through adjustments). Other examples could include changing volunteer positions at church or in the community, leaving second grade and moving on to third, graduating from diapers to real underwear, cutting up a credit card, breaking a bad habit, and many other changes that are such a part of life.

One thing I think is interesting is some of these losses carry a "yeah...but" part to them...as in, "yeah, it may have been a loss, but it was a good loss." However, even when a change is positive, it is important to recognize the losses associated with the positive change and be prepared for the impact of such losses.

So, what do you do once you recognize a loss? The answer is different for everyone, but here are some examples others have found helpful:

• Express gratitude for recognizing the impact the loss is causing in your life or in the life of a loved one.
• Realize that the degree of challenge you are experiencing adjusting to the loss in neither good nor bad--it just is. Whether you are having a very difficult time adjusting or whether it is a relative small impact, it is a normal reaction and is not an indication of your strength or character.
  
• Accept that what is a loss to you may be a gain to someone else. For example, losing a loved one to death is a loss to you, but it is also a gain to others (such as the end of suffering for the person, the reuniting with God or loved ones in the afterlife, etc.).
• Give yourself permission to to grieve the loss no matter how large or small that loss seems to others. And if it still hurts, it is still okay to grieve--even if it has been years since the loss.
• Do not get hung up trying to make sense out of why the loss still hurts. It is okay to be sad, angry, frustrated, devastated, or any other reaction you are having to the loss. It is part of experiencing the range of emotions we need to feel better. A great example from the Bible is how Christ mourned the passing of a dear friend with tears, even though he was about to raise that friend from the dead. Surely, he must have known he could and would raise him from the dead, yet the Bible records, "Jesus wept."
  
• Surrender to a higher power. Turn over your broken heart again and again and again. Trust that this higher power, whatever that means in your life, has a plan and purpose for your life and that all changes are a part of that plan. If you were in charge of the universe, why might you allow someone like you to go through such loss and suffering? What positive elements might arise from it? What might you be shaping them to become? (See CS Lewis quote below for one perspective on this).
  
• Just make it through today and do not concern yourself too much about whether tomorrow will be any better. If you cannot see how you can make it through today, just make it through this hour. If you cannot make it through this hour, make it through the next minute.
  
• There may be a few good days, or even weeks, in a row followed by a day where all you can do is pray for strength to make it through the next moment. This is normal and is okay.
• Remember the happy memories associated with whatever it is you have lost. While it may be too painful to think of them at first, with time they will become memorialized as a treasured part of your life.
• Write a letter, a song, a prayer or make something tangible for the person or thing you have lost. It doesn't matter that they may not know about it or receive it.
  

Thinking about losses in a larger context has helped me to have patience and empathy for someone facing significant emotional struggles. Whether it is in the form of a two year old having a temper tantrum, a teenager feeling discouraged, a couple having marital difficulties, or one who has lost his or her companion to death. It helps me stop and think about the types of losses that may exist in their life and may be part of the story behind their current emotional struggles.

We each have things that comfort us when we experience losses. Here are two of mine...a quote by CS Lewis and a song I wrote for a friend who had experienced a significant loss when I wished there was something I could do or say to make it better.

From CS Lewis:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what he is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.

But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is he up to? The explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.

You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but he is building up a palace. He intends to come and live in it himself.

C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity

Song: Loss

Lyrics:

Where are words today?
Ones that heal, and take the pain away?
Does the world know it's shorter now by one?
One is gone, one's journey now is done

I'm mourning for your loss,
Though I may not know the cost
I'm hurting from inside for your pain
And I am sorry for your loss

May you find the power to get through
May a peace and comfort be with you
Peace be with you

Title: Loss
Music: Tim Penrod
Lyrics: Tim Penrod
Vocals: Laurie Hansen
Copyright (c) 2000. Tim Penrod. All rights reserved.