It's a hit -- parenting in public

What do you do when your young child throws a tantrum in a public place? Classic parenting question, right? I witnessed it again today in the parking lot of a grocery store after work. Two women (one apparently the mother and the other the grandmother) had a three-year-old in a shopping cart, heading (in the 110 degree Arizona afternoon weather) to their vehicle. I'm not sure what he wanted, but the child screamed and kicked, making a bit of a scene. The younger of the two women quickly struck the child on his rear end, yelling (louder than the child's screams) "be quiet." He did not quiet down; instead, he screamed louder and began hitting. The older of the two women swatted the child and added "that's what you get for hitting." Mother and grandmother looked at each other with congratulatory approval for their fine parenting technique.

I am amazed at how often this logic prevails in parenting. When you want a child to stop yelling, yell louder than him/her. When you want a child to stop hitting, hit him/her. It comes from the "Show the Child Who is Boss" mentality of parenting. I taught court-ordered parenting classes for several years earlier in my career, and I was amazed at the number of individuals who will argue this approach to the end (even if it is not what the judge wants to hear in order to return their child(ren) to their custody). I heard it often: "Forget all of this politically correct stuff...kids need to know who is in charge and to know that they don't cross lines with their parents or there is going to be a (physical) consequence." Or, "My parent beat the heck out of me all the time when I was a child and I turned out fine." Or, "Spare the rod, spoil the child (forget, for a moment, that the rod referred to here is actually a rod of firm and loving correction, not a rod for striking a person)."

Let's examine it from a few other perspectives though:

• Conditioning: punishment (yelling, hitting) can stop an undesired behavior, but usually only temporarily, and often with undesired side effects (resentment, physical injuries, legal action, etc.).
• Social learning: children learn by example. The example of yelling louder and angrier and hitting harder teaches this lesson: the person with the most physical power wins. Children who are screamed at and hit are more likely to scream at and hit their own children one day.
• Developmental: there is no developmental stage that says children need to be hit or screamed at in order to grow into responsible members of society.
• Communication: yelling and hitting teach that the person who is the most aggressive will be the one to get their way in a disagreement. The child remembers this lesson and saves up for the next argument--maybe they need to be louder and stronger to get their way.
• Reinforcement: although attention was obtained in an undesirable way, the child learns that he or she can get a grown up adult (or two of them) to be completely bent out of shape. That is a lot of power for such a small child to have. Why wouldn't they want more power like that in the future by causing similar scenes?
• Nurturing: a child who is tired, frustrated or overwhelmed may yell or hit. Hitting them back or yelling more loudly at them is not likely to provide the nurturing they need.
• Systems: engaging in the power struggle by escalating volume and hitting back continues the negative cycle of behavior and invites the child to "raise the stakes" either now or in the future to keep the cycle going.
  

So, although it comes perfectly natural to scream at a child who is creating a public display, two things are clear: 1) It is meeting your need as a parent to scream/hit and therefore show your peers that you are in charge and are not tolerating this behavior...it is not meeting a need of you child; 2) Rather than making it less likely to occur again in the future, these actions make it more probable that the scene will repeat itself over and over.

So, if you don't scream and you don't hit the child, what can you do? You tell me...