Whoever invented swimming obviously did not think it through all the way. I'm sure the intentions were noble, but they might as well have said, lets find a medium (water) to rinse off all the grossest parts of the human body (the nose, the armpits, the grease in the hair, the mouth...I'll stop there) and put it in a big bowl. Then pack it full of lots of people, all of whose bodies are being similarly "rinsed off'", and let everyone soak it in together.
I know what you are thinking...chlorine, right? My sister in law used to work for a wilderness boot camp for youth, and they would go to remote locations and live off the land. They drank water that had feces floating in it, bugs and organizims swimming in it, etc. And all they did to make it safe was dump in a small amount of chlorine and wait for everything to stop moving. So, I'm not debating the safety of pool water. I am simply opposed to the disgusting thought of jumping in a pool of shared body fluids, whether or not they are disinfected. Imagine wanting to take a bath at night. After filling the tub, you dump in some dirt, have your children urinate in the water, stir in some slobber and snot, ring all the grease out of your teenager's hair and pop a few of his/her pimples to add the the mix. Just before hopping in, pour in a bit of liquid chlorine to kill all the germs, stir and enjoy a refreshing bath. No one in their right mind would agree to this, but this is just like what we do when we swim.
And its not just the kids who are peeing in the pool. Don't get me wrong, I blame it on them too, but there is no denying the feeling of release that comes for letting a fresh stream go in a large body of water. How can anyone resist that temptation, especially when you've got to keep your eye on the kids and can't very well get out of the pool to use the facilities? But, even if it were just the kids , do the math. That is a lot of gross extra fluids added to the water!
But let's move on from the germ element of swimming for a moment, because I could write volumes about it, and discuss some of the other problems with swimming.
1) Name another time that (in the name of wholesome family entertainment) it is socially acceptable for everyone to strip down to next to nothing and play together. We go swimming for church activities, work parties, family reunions and with complete strangers. And no one seems to think it is strange to be hanging out with one another in the equivalent of our underwear.
2) I never really have liked the sun all that much, probably because my skin burns so easily. So, I didn't spend all that much time in the sun as a kid, yet I have sun spots on my face now as an adult. The other day I went to get them checked out by a dermatologist, thinking you never can be too careful with the prevalence of skin cancer these days. Apparently, he agreed, because he burned one of them off with liquid nitrogen. It was a wonderful experience, offering the whole range of human emotions...fear and anticipation, exquisite pain, and burning, followed by relief that your entire face did not combust...I highly recommend it. I'm sure skin cancer itself is no better, by my preferred prevention is to stay out of the sun entirely.
3) As much as I don't like the sun, I hate sunscreen even more. The fragrances spike my allergies, and it feels really gross both when it goes on and when it dries. Not to mention the large amount of square yardage of sunscreen it takes to cover my body...proper application can take hours. I tried one of those spray-on kinds once, only to discover that it is nearly impossible to get a uniform application. Unless you have access to a paint sprayer and vats of liquid sunscreen, I have to warn you that you will end up looking like you had a pattern of random burn streaks tattooed all over your body. So, it's back to manual application, which to me feels like rubbing liquid Crisco all over your body.
4) Your feet burn on the way to the pool's edge. Your body nearly goes into shock when you enter the ice-cold water, even in June. The wind blows on you when you get out of the water, making you chilled all over again, even though it is 110 degrees outside. Your feet burn again on the way back to your towel. That is way too many transitions and adjustments for me.
5) It is hard to know where you are going without opening your eyes under the water. But if you open them, you have to realize that you are either getting all the above-mentioned nasty germs in your eyes, or an acid so powerful that it can kill all of those nasty germs. I don't really want either of them in my eyes, so I keep them closed.
6) If I don't want the water in my eyes, why would I want it in my mouth? And no one can swim without getting the water in their mouth. In fact, watch someone coming up out of the water sometime. The water just pours out of their mouth, along with a bunch of saliva, adding even further to the disgusting mixture of body fluids.
7) I once had a friend who was in charge of keeping pool chemical levels in the proper range at a public pool. He told me they rarely ever really checked it...they just added in some chemicals once in a while and called it good. If our one hope hinges on all the germs being killed off by chlorine, are we really willing to trust a teenager with that job? Or the pool man? Or anyone other than ourselves?
8) All of this is compounded when swimming in a lake rather than a swimming pool. Take all of the above, add in a bunch of fish (complete with their cycle of life of eating, shedding, excreting, giving birth, dying, etc.) and other water creatures, and it is no wonder the water is slimy and green. And yet we jump right in and pretend there is nothing wrong with it. That gives me a great business idea...turning cesspools into swimming holes. Why not? People swim in lakes and that is not all that different.
9) When I was a kid there was a man in the neighborhood that everyone called "uncle" who lived at the public pool (or at least he was there every time we went). He used to play a game called "Try to drown the children". You've played it before, I'm sure. It was where someone bigger than you holds you under the water until you think you are going to die and finally releases you for a short moment while you gasp for air and then puts you under again. I think public pools have cracked down on this kind of behavior these days, but the game is still played each day in pools all around the world when adults aren't looking. But hey, I guess there are worse things that a strange man everyone calls "uncle" could play in the pool with your children when no one is looking.
10) Where do you put your wallet while you swim at a public pool? In the locker? Oh yeah, besides the fact that it costs a quarter or two (which I never have since I only carry plastic cards to pay for things these days), there is the dilemma of where to put the keys while you swim. You can't swim with them (see Wikipedia under "rust") but you can't just leave them poolside for someone to grab and open your locker. At the gym, they give you little stretchy bracelets you can wear to solve this problem, but they haven't figured it out yet for swimming pools. And the last thing we need is identify theft while we are trying to relax in the community cesspool.
I know some of you smart people may have perfect solutions to one or more of the above problems (although I assure you I can argue with anything you want to throw at me), so go ahead and post them. You know, like only swim in your own swimming pool where you can monitor the chemicals, post a "no peeing in the pool" sign, or swimming indoors to get away from the sun. But, no matter how you slice it, there is no getting around the fact that we are swimming in a giant tub of shared body fluids and acid.
So, you now understand why camping is out and swimming is out. How could anyone dislike man's best friend? Stay tuned for the next post to find out.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thinking About You
In late 1999, I left my full-time job and started a company called Muiscal Greetings. I was at a point in life where I was entering my internship for Marriage and Family Therapy, and I worried I wouldn't be able to do a social services job full-time while also doing 20 hours per week in an internship. So, I took a risk, joined with my father, and created this company.
I had been writing songs since my mid teens, but I knew nothing about how to digitally record them, design websites or deliver products electronically. We had what I thought was a cool idea. My dad and I would write and record the songs, which would be centered on common holidays and special events. As individuals placed orders, we would re-record the song with the recipient's name inserted into a key place in the song, resulting in the recipient receiving an e-card that had a song written just for them.
It was a lot of fun and worked out OK. We wrote about 60 different songs and sold about 100 orders within a period of 4-6 months. But that didn't bring in enough money to pay the bills, so I went back to work at my full-time job and the musical greeting business has sat dormant ever since.
In addition to learning a lot about myself during that time, I learned a lot about running a business. And I developed a collection of recorded songs that have become a memory of a place in time for my family. My dad wrote and performed the music for about half of the songs, while I wrote and performed the music for the other half. I wrote the lyrics for all of the songs, and vocals were performed by my wife (Kathy), her sister (Laurie) and myself (scary!).
This is the first song we made for Musical Greetings. I wrote the music and lyrics. Laurie, did the singing. I hope I've successfully figured out this Blogger video posting thing. Due to file size restrictions with Blogger, the audio quality is affected. (And, by the way, the picture is just a placeholder for the video--on the website where we delivered the songs, we paired them with an occasion-appropriate picture and message from the sender).
Title: Thinking About You
Music: Tim Penrod
Lyrics: Tim Penrod
Vocals: Laurie Webb Hansen
Copyright (c) 2000. Tim Penrod. All rights reserved.
I had been writing songs since my mid teens, but I knew nothing about how to digitally record them, design websites or deliver products electronically. We had what I thought was a cool idea. My dad and I would write and record the songs, which would be centered on common holidays and special events. As individuals placed orders, we would re-record the song with the recipient's name inserted into a key place in the song, resulting in the recipient receiving an e-card that had a song written just for them.
It was a lot of fun and worked out OK. We wrote about 60 different songs and sold about 100 orders within a period of 4-6 months. But that didn't bring in enough money to pay the bills, so I went back to work at my full-time job and the musical greeting business has sat dormant ever since.
In addition to learning a lot about myself during that time, I learned a lot about running a business. And I developed a collection of recorded songs that have become a memory of a place in time for my family. My dad wrote and performed the music for about half of the songs, while I wrote and performed the music for the other half. I wrote the lyrics for all of the songs, and vocals were performed by my wife (Kathy), her sister (Laurie) and myself (scary!).
This is the first song we made for Musical Greetings. I wrote the music and lyrics. Laurie, did the singing. I hope I've successfully figured out this Blogger video posting thing. Due to file size restrictions with Blogger, the audio quality is affected. (And, by the way, the picture is just a placeholder for the video--on the website where we delivered the songs, we paired them with an occasion-appropriate picture and message from the sender).
Title: Thinking About You
Music: Tim Penrod
Lyrics: Tim Penrod
Vocals: Laurie Webb Hansen
Copyright (c) 2000. Tim Penrod. All rights reserved.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Like My Dad
I used to teach a parenting class for parents who had their children removed by Child Protective Services and were working to get them back. One activity we did was examining the ways our parenting is similar as well as different from that of our parents. It seemed that many people are either very much like their parents or are intentionally trying to be the opposite of their parents.
Here is a post I did on a different blog once where I examined one aspect of my similarity to my father. After posting it, I had to explain to my kids and the boy scout leaders in the neighborhood that it was all in the spirit of humor-- I really will go camping and have learned to like it. But I really do have some inherent challenges with it as well. :)
Here is the post:
I grew up with a father who despises all three: camping, swimming and dogs. Being the oldest, I think these same preferences were imprinted upon me at birth (along with some other characteristics of my father, such as legs that refuse to tan no matter how much sunlight they see). Of course, being repulsed by camping, swimming and dogs makes you unpopular with nearly anyone who likes to do anything fun, so I have spent much of my life attempting to psychoanalyze the root causes of these dislikes and even trying to learn how to like each of them. Thus far I haven't been very successful, and this is my attempt to explain why. I think you will see how normal I am.
Camping. My idea of camping is eating some hot dogs and smores in my kitchen and then resting in my bed while watching the travel channel. What is not to like about camping? Well, bears for one. I am not really scared of them, but I am pretty sure they are after me. If you have ever stayed awake at night on self-appointed bear protection duty, which I have many times, you will know what I mean. There are bear-like sounds that happen all night long, and I am reasonably sure, although I do not ever dare to look, that they are dancing around my tent at night taunting me, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. I once heard that bears will come after any trace of food, so much of my pre-bedtime camping routine is to make sure there are no crumbs of any type anywhere in the tent, the car (they could break in and then what would we drive home in?) or anywhere in the campsite. Unless I'm camping with people I don't like, in which case I put all of the crumbs in a neat little pile in front of their tent.
Speaking of tents, that is another problem. Whether or not they have instructions, they never seem to cooperate. I have spent nearly 3 hours trying to put up a tent (just to clarify, this tent was more like a folding mobile home, but that is another story). It is humiliating to ask for help from another guy while taking the kids camping for father and sons campouts. Or from one of the scouts on a scout campout. Or my wife on a family campout. Or the forest ranger when I'm camping alone.
Then there is the food. As a youth, every trip I went on involved a plan by our camping leader (which was never my parents, because we didn't camp as a family) to create the world's best "tinfoil dinner". I soon learned that tinfoil dinner was a code name for "raw meat and crunchy potatoes." Except when you are able to make a fire big enough to actually produce some heat, in which case it is more like aluminum-wrapped charcoal. Needless to say, I have gone hungry on more than one campout, which is why when I take my kids camping, I pick up McDonalds on the way there. I could go on forever, but here are 10 more reasons for the camping aversion (sorry to all of the boyscout leaders that I may be offending):
1) Mosquitoes, undeterred by Off! spray.
2) Where are all the toilets?/ Have you noticed the forest doesn't have very many good things to wipe with?
3) Maybe I'm made like the princess that felt the pea through the mattress, but if you ever need help locating the hardest spot of ground and the most rocks, call on me to pick the site to post the tent.
4) Tent stakes do not go in well through solid rock.
5) I don't carry a gun, but what do you do when a bad guy comes in the middle of the night and wants to kill you and your children in the tent? If you had a gun, would you shoot? If so, what if it was your uncle Jim trying to play a funny, but scary, joke? If you don't shoot, you are toast. If you do...well, there just are no good choices here. I bought a house for a reason, and one of the reasons was locking windows, doors and deadbolts.
6) If there are no toilets around, where do you think everyone is going to the bathroom? That's right, it is everywhere you are stepping, sitting, and exploring. Enough said. And don't tell me the rain washes it away. I watch Mythbusters! (Did you know that when you flush the toilet it really does send thousands of germs flying through the air in the bathroom? Enjoy that thought next time you brush your teeth).
7) I once tried to blow up an air mattress. Let's just say if I had decided to finish, someone would have had to perform CPR to keep me alive. So, I'm back to the hard ground again.
8) Every good idea I get about something fun to do while I'm camping involves electricity. "Ah, it is so peaceful and quiet, I think I'll check the score on the D-backs game." Or, "what a great time to write in my blog". You see the problem.
9) I can give you a detailed report about how loud and how often everyone in my camping group snores. Tents do not make good sound barriers. See above for the reasons I am not alseep at night and you will know why I am able to provide this valuable snore-tracking service. See me if you need any background checks on potential husbands.
10) Nearly every camping trip leads to a "let's go to the river/lake/swimming pool" (I don't know why but sometimes camp sites are near swimming pools). That leads to disorder #2, which you will find in my next blog post: swimming.
Here is a post I did on a different blog once where I examined one aspect of my similarity to my father. After posting it, I had to explain to my kids and the boy scout leaders in the neighborhood that it was all in the spirit of humor-- I really will go camping and have learned to like it. But I really do have some inherent challenges with it as well. :)
Here is the post:
I grew up with a father who despises all three: camping, swimming and dogs. Being the oldest, I think these same preferences were imprinted upon me at birth (along with some other characteristics of my father, such as legs that refuse to tan no matter how much sunlight they see). Of course, being repulsed by camping, swimming and dogs makes you unpopular with nearly anyone who likes to do anything fun, so I have spent much of my life attempting to psychoanalyze the root causes of these dislikes and even trying to learn how to like each of them. Thus far I haven't been very successful, and this is my attempt to explain why. I think you will see how normal I am.
Camping. My idea of camping is eating some hot dogs and smores in my kitchen and then resting in my bed while watching the travel channel. What is not to like about camping? Well, bears for one. I am not really scared of them, but I am pretty sure they are after me. If you have ever stayed awake at night on self-appointed bear protection duty, which I have many times, you will know what I mean. There are bear-like sounds that happen all night long, and I am reasonably sure, although I do not ever dare to look, that they are dancing around my tent at night taunting me, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. I once heard that bears will come after any trace of food, so much of my pre-bedtime camping routine is to make sure there are no crumbs of any type anywhere in the tent, the car (they could break in and then what would we drive home in?) or anywhere in the campsite. Unless I'm camping with people I don't like, in which case I put all of the crumbs in a neat little pile in front of their tent.
Speaking of tents, that is another problem. Whether or not they have instructions, they never seem to cooperate. I have spent nearly 3 hours trying to put up a tent (just to clarify, this tent was more like a folding mobile home, but that is another story). It is humiliating to ask for help from another guy while taking the kids camping for father and sons campouts. Or from one of the scouts on a scout campout. Or my wife on a family campout. Or the forest ranger when I'm camping alone.
Then there is the food. As a youth, every trip I went on involved a plan by our camping leader (which was never my parents, because we didn't camp as a family) to create the world's best "tinfoil dinner". I soon learned that tinfoil dinner was a code name for "raw meat and crunchy potatoes." Except when you are able to make a fire big enough to actually produce some heat, in which case it is more like aluminum-wrapped charcoal. Needless to say, I have gone hungry on more than one campout, which is why when I take my kids camping, I pick up McDonalds on the way there. I could go on forever, but here are 10 more reasons for the camping aversion (sorry to all of the boyscout leaders that I may be offending):
1) Mosquitoes, undeterred by Off! spray.
2) Where are all the toilets?/ Have you noticed the forest doesn't have very many good things to wipe with?
3) Maybe I'm made like the princess that felt the pea through the mattress, but if you ever need help locating the hardest spot of ground and the most rocks, call on me to pick the site to post the tent.
4) Tent stakes do not go in well through solid rock.
5) I don't carry a gun, but what do you do when a bad guy comes in the middle of the night and wants to kill you and your children in the tent? If you had a gun, would you shoot? If so, what if it was your uncle Jim trying to play a funny, but scary, joke? If you don't shoot, you are toast. If you do...well, there just are no good choices here. I bought a house for a reason, and one of the reasons was locking windows, doors and deadbolts.
6) If there are no toilets around, where do you think everyone is going to the bathroom? That's right, it is everywhere you are stepping, sitting, and exploring. Enough said. And don't tell me the rain washes it away. I watch Mythbusters! (Did you know that when you flush the toilet it really does send thousands of germs flying through the air in the bathroom? Enjoy that thought next time you brush your teeth).
7) I once tried to blow up an air mattress. Let's just say if I had decided to finish, someone would have had to perform CPR to keep me alive. So, I'm back to the hard ground again.
8) Every good idea I get about something fun to do while I'm camping involves electricity. "Ah, it is so peaceful and quiet, I think I'll check the score on the D-backs game." Or, "what a great time to write in my blog". You see the problem.
9) I can give you a detailed report about how loud and how often everyone in my camping group snores. Tents do not make good sound barriers. See above for the reasons I am not alseep at night and you will know why I am able to provide this valuable snore-tracking service. See me if you need any background checks on potential husbands.
10) Nearly every camping trip leads to a "let's go to the river/lake/swimming pool" (I don't know why but sometimes camp sites are near swimming pools). That leads to disorder #2, which you will find in my next blog post: swimming.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Simple life or Taco Bell?
In high school, we watched a film about people that lived in the jungle, wore almost no clothing and spent the day finding food and weaving things. It was a pretty simple life. I remember thinking how nice it would be, at least for a while, to cross everything off of my to-do list and just look for food all day. I was busy in high school.
Today, my to-do list is much longer than it was in high school. But I'm not so sure about the living naked in the jungle thing anymore. I kind of like movie theaters, restaurants and automobiles. And computers. And shoes. So, while I occasionally long for life to slow down a bit so that I can catch my breath, I think I'm okay with the life I have. It's not very simple, but I kind of like it.
Maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow when I feel like I can no longer stay on top of things, and I'll pine for the wilderness. But one trip through the late-night Taco Bell drive through and I'll come to my senses!
Today, my to-do list is much longer than it was in high school. But I'm not so sure about the living naked in the jungle thing anymore. I kind of like movie theaters, restaurants and automobiles. And computers. And shoes. So, while I occasionally long for life to slow down a bit so that I can catch my breath, I think I'm okay with the life I have. It's not very simple, but I kind of like it.
Maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow when I feel like I can no longer stay on top of things, and I'll pine for the wilderness. But one trip through the late-night Taco Bell drive through and I'll come to my senses!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Society
Tolerance is an interesting word. Does it mean loving others? Does it mean indifference? Does it mean acceptance? Is it the lack of judging one another? Is it a good thing or bad?
I believe every person on this earth deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. I believe we all need someone to love us and to accept us as we are.
And I also believe this quote from Neal A Maxwell about the the responsibility of a nation in determining its laws:
"A nation that permits anything will soon lose everything."
So, how does a nation of good people decide whether its laws should be ones that lean toward accepting every person and everything every person does or whether it should try to place limits on what is permitted in society? Can society legislate the conduct of its people while still integrating principles such as mercy, love, equal rights and dignity for all that live within it? Where do you draw the line between rights to do whatever a person wants and having laws that protect society?
Everyone draws their line in a different place. But anyone who draws a line at all does so at the exclusion of some group of people and the way they would prefer to live (which for some people could include wanting to kill other people, as a dramatic example). I guess that is why democracy is so inspired. It totally trusts that the people together will choose things that are in the best interest of society.
I believe in that process. I believe that the majority of people in our nation will choose collectively the things that are best for our country at the moment. That includes choosing the president, making laws, and other business of the country. I can be as cynical as the next person when it comes to politics sometimes, but in the end I believe in our country and the process upon which it was founded. I am thankful that one person is not permitted to make all the laws of the country based on their interpretation of right and wrong.
So, I still don't know whether being tolerant is a good thing or bad thing. Sometimes our nation votes not to allow certain things to happen. And sometimes we change our collective minds as time passes. In the end, I choose to be optimistic, believe that God still watches over America and think that good times lie ahead of us as a country.
I believe every person on this earth deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. I believe we all need someone to love us and to accept us as we are.
And I also believe this quote from Neal A Maxwell about the the responsibility of a nation in determining its laws:
"A nation that permits anything will soon lose everything."
So, how does a nation of good people decide whether its laws should be ones that lean toward accepting every person and everything every person does or whether it should try to place limits on what is permitted in society? Can society legislate the conduct of its people while still integrating principles such as mercy, love, equal rights and dignity for all that live within it? Where do you draw the line between rights to do whatever a person wants and having laws that protect society?
Everyone draws their line in a different place. But anyone who draws a line at all does so at the exclusion of some group of people and the way they would prefer to live (which for some people could include wanting to kill other people, as a dramatic example). I guess that is why democracy is so inspired. It totally trusts that the people together will choose things that are in the best interest of society.
I believe in that process. I believe that the majority of people in our nation will choose collectively the things that are best for our country at the moment. That includes choosing the president, making laws, and other business of the country. I can be as cynical as the next person when it comes to politics sometimes, but in the end I believe in our country and the process upon which it was founded. I am thankful that one person is not permitted to make all the laws of the country based on their interpretation of right and wrong.
So, I still don't know whether being tolerant is a good thing or bad thing. Sometimes our nation votes not to allow certain things to happen. And sometimes we change our collective minds as time passes. In the end, I choose to be optimistic, believe that God still watches over America and think that good times lie ahead of us as a country.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Rules
Do you (or did you, if your children are grown) have a lot of rules in your family? Some people believe that parents ought to only have 3 to 5 primary rules that they attempt to teach and enforce and not worry too much about things that fall outside of those rules. The thought with this approach is that you shouldn't over-manage your children and that if you set more than five rules it will be impossible to be consistent in enforcing them.
However, others feel that you should create enough rules to help shape the growth of your children in all of the areas that are important to you and that it is your responsibility as parents to make sure they know how to behave in many different areas of life.
I grew up in a home with lots of rules (hundreds). It is interesting that some of the children in my family turned out to be serious rule-followers while other turned out to be serious rule-rebels. So, I'm not sure there is a right or wrong answer here, but I'm interested in two questions:
1) Were you raised in a home that had lots of rules or just a few primary rules?
2) As a parent yourself, did/do you have lots of rules or just a few primary rules? How's it working?
However, others feel that you should create enough rules to help shape the growth of your children in all of the areas that are important to you and that it is your responsibility as parents to make sure they know how to behave in many different areas of life.
I grew up in a home with lots of rules (hundreds). It is interesting that some of the children in my family turned out to be serious rule-followers while other turned out to be serious rule-rebels. So, I'm not sure there is a right or wrong answer here, but I'm interested in two questions:
1) Were you raised in a home that had lots of rules or just a few primary rules?
2) As a parent yourself, did/do you have lots of rules or just a few primary rules? How's it working?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Parenting, autism and choices
I was talking to a lady the other day who has spent more than 20 years working with children that have behavioral and developmental disabilities, particularly those with autism. She told me about one child with autism who was getting into power struggles with caregivers because he wanted to wear the same shirt every day. Something about the shirt brought him comfort and security, which is so important to a child with autism. But the caregiver did not want him wearing the same shirt each day because it would get dirty and needed washing. Plus it just didn't seem right to let him wear the same shirt each day, especially after he threw a tantrum about wanting to wear it.
After much deliberation, they purchased this child six different shirts that were exactly like the one he loved so that he could wear the same (yet fresh) shirt each day. He learned the importance of changing clothes and wearing clean shirts, and still felt secure and happy. It worked wonderfully. The power struggles were gone, and the boy did very well in the mornings.
Sounded like a great story. And then I started thinking about our 11 year old. He is obsessed with Alvin and the Chipmunks and begs to wear his red Alvin shirt to school each day. He went a few days without changing shirts when we first gave it to him, so we made a rule that he could only wear it once a week. He has done pretty well with that, but he still has some bad mornings and ends up arguing over it. He doesn't have autism, but he does have his difficult moments, sometimes fairly challenging moments. And, similar to a mild autism spectrum type of thing, he relishes routines, responds well to consistency and familiarity, and has a tremendous difficulty when things get too loud, chaotic or intense.
After reflecting on this lady's story, I wondered if we should have tried a similar approach with our child by buying him 6 more Alvin shirts and letting him wear one each day. Some would argue that you should absolutely not do this because it would be teaching him that he can have anything he wants and it would spoil him. Others would say if it is a child that has some challenging struggles, there are much more important things to save your power struggles for than a shirt. As long as they are clean, who cares?
After I went back and forth on it in my mind, I thought of one more reason that may have been a good idea to try with my son--maybe he would grow tired of it after wearing it every day for so long. At the pace he is on, I'm afraid he may be wearing an Alvin tee shirt to his high school graduation.
So, what is your take? You be the parent...which is the right way to go with this situation?
After much deliberation, they purchased this child six different shirts that were exactly like the one he loved so that he could wear the same (yet fresh) shirt each day. He learned the importance of changing clothes and wearing clean shirts, and still felt secure and happy. It worked wonderfully. The power struggles were gone, and the boy did very well in the mornings.
Sounded like a great story. And then I started thinking about our 11 year old. He is obsessed with Alvin and the Chipmunks and begs to wear his red Alvin shirt to school each day. He went a few days without changing shirts when we first gave it to him, so we made a rule that he could only wear it once a week. He has done pretty well with that, but he still has some bad mornings and ends up arguing over it. He doesn't have autism, but he does have his difficult moments, sometimes fairly challenging moments. And, similar to a mild autism spectrum type of thing, he relishes routines, responds well to consistency and familiarity, and has a tremendous difficulty when things get too loud, chaotic or intense.
After reflecting on this lady's story, I wondered if we should have tried a similar approach with our child by buying him 6 more Alvin shirts and letting him wear one each day. Some would argue that you should absolutely not do this because it would be teaching him that he can have anything he wants and it would spoil him. Others would say if it is a child that has some challenging struggles, there are much more important things to save your power struggles for than a shirt. As long as they are clean, who cares?
After I went back and forth on it in my mind, I thought of one more reason that may have been a good idea to try with my son--maybe he would grow tired of it after wearing it every day for so long. At the pace he is on, I'm afraid he may be wearing an Alvin tee shirt to his high school graduation.
So, what is your take? You be the parent...which is the right way to go with this situation?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Similarities
Since the last post self-disclosed some information about musical differences my wife and I share, I wanted to round it off by writing about some things that we have completely in common. Although I'll never convert to being a Groban fan, we share some really amazing things in common, and they are some of the things that led to me fall in love with her initially, sustained our relationship over time and that I continue to love about our relationship. Here are a few:
- We share the same views on what to do to make Sundays around our home a special day that is set apart from the rest of the week. Although each of our parents handled it slightly differently, the two of us agree 100% about how we do it at our home. And I really appreciate that--I feel like it helps renew us for the new week ahead by having things be more calm and different from the other days of the week.
- We were born in the same hospital, less than 30 days apart, although we never met (imagine that--they didn't introduce the two infants!) until age 16.
- We share the same view of serving and following instruction in our church. Whatever either of us is asked to do, or whatever we are asked to do as a family, we will do it and do it gladly. I love the knowledge that if we were asked to move somewhere else in the world, to sell everything we have and to stop eating popcorn, she would be the first to want to do it. Even if she loved popcorn. :)
- We share the same views of raising a family and how to parent children. Although we certainly have tried lots of different ideas in this area (and have learned with absolute certainly that the books don't have all of the answers), we are very similar in our underlying beliefs about parenting.
- We both enjoy spending time at home as much as spending it anywhere else.
- We both value the other person getting some time once in a while to go do their own thing, have a break, etc.
- We like to sing, even though we aren't very good at it. One of my favorite things to do is to sing from the hymn book with my wife while I play the piano. We've done that with our kids, as a couple, with extended family, etc. and I really enjoy it.
- We agree on the styles of houses that we like. She knows the fancy names for the various types. Not me, but we still agree on the types we like best.
- We both agree that I do not know how to color coordinate things I wear, and, much like a 3 year old, I need her help to know whether certain things go together (OK, so not just colors actually, but even things like whether striped shirts go with patterned ties, etc.).
- We agree, for the most part, on a few favorite TV shows to watch. Right now, we watch The Office together and American Idol. And just about anything on Food Network. We've done that since we have been married--had one or two shows that we make sure to watch together on a regular basis. It used to be David Letterman (who I still think is hilarious, but is on too late to bother with). In another previous period of time, it was Mr. Bean on PBS. If I tell you we were both in marching band in high school, will that complete the confirmation that we really are nerds?
- We love to eat good food (probably a little too much). Anywhere that has it. Heard of a good place to go out and eat, a good type of food to make, or great take out? We're all over that.
Musical differences
Can a strong relationship exist when a couple has totally different tastes in music? I know what the studies say about how difficult it can be when two people marry who are from very different religious backgrounds, cultures, socioeconomic statuses, or even political views (not that these relationships are impossible, obviously, but the couple enters the relationship knowing there are some differences that may require compromise and adjustment in order to have a harmonious relationship).
But how significant are differences in musical taste on marital bliss? I've never read a study on that subject, but musical preferences can definitely be part of the relationship dynamics.
My wife and I share some similarities in musical taste. We both enjoy Chicago, the Beatles (although she is not as fanatic about them as I am), most types of musicals, light classical music (Boston pops type), and oldies music.
But we also have some significant differences in taste:
(Of course, you could replace music preference above with other small things like brand-name food vs. generic, beliefs about medication and medical care, home school vs. public school, open windows vs. closed, temperature at which to set the thermostat, restaurant preference, or any number of other fun areas).
But how significant are differences in musical taste on marital bliss? I've never read a study on that subject, but musical preferences can definitely be part of the relationship dynamics.
My wife and I share some similarities in musical taste. We both enjoy Chicago, the Beatles (although she is not as fanatic about them as I am), most types of musicals, light classical music (Boston pops type), and oldies music.
But we also have some significant differences in taste:
- She loves Josh Groban. I think his music is clinically depressing and listening to him leaves me feeling emotionally ill. I know he has some talent, but I hate his music for the most part.
- I love music with thought-provoking, subtly-funny and sometimes bizarre lyrics with double or hidden meanings. Some examples: They Might Be Giants, Barenaked Ladies, etc. She, on the other hand, doesn't appear to appreciate the genuius of these bands! :)
- I like the music to be loud enough to hear the different chords, background instruments, etc. even if it is relaxing music. I like writing and playing music, so I really enjoy hearing all the different parts of the structure of a song. She likes the music to be soft and in the background, unless she is exercising.
- We both like music to match our mood...calmer for more relaxing moments and more intense music when cleaning the house, dancing around the home or exercising. But, her version of energizing music is Hannah Montana Soundtracks or Harry Connnick Jr. My style for this type of music is more like Boston, Styx or Def Leppard (although, I have to skip many of D.L.'s songs because they are a bit too much for me as well sometimes).
- She is much more a country music fan than am I. I can tolerate it in smaller doses, especially more modern country, but I'm not about to do a line dance, nor am I likely to break into tears over the storyline in a country song.
(Of course, you could replace music preference above with other small things like brand-name food vs. generic, beliefs about medication and medical care, home school vs. public school, open windows vs. closed, temperature at which to set the thermostat, restaurant preference, or any number of other fun areas).
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Direction
I had a teacher tell me when I was younger that the very best feeling in life was to know without a doubt in a given moment in time that God knows who you are and that he is directly intervening to bless your life very specifically and in a way you don't fully deserve.
I'm not sure I understood or even appreciated his comments as a thirteen year old (kind of like the saying, "I never knew how right my father was until I had a child who thought I was wrong"). But they now make a lot of sense to me.
Some things are too personal to relate fully, but have you ever had that feeling? Have you ever known that everything happening to you and unfolding before you was absolutely none of your own doing but instead was divine intervention and the mercies of God?
I guess the truth is that everything really fits into that category, although we don't always realize it as it is happening. But when you do recognize it as it happens, it is quite an experience. Feels kind of like having a front seat to watch Ammon defend King Lamoni's flocks and realizing what you are watching is about much more than some scattered sheep and a strong servant.
I'm not sure I understood or even appreciated his comments as a thirteen year old (kind of like the saying, "I never knew how right my father was until I had a child who thought I was wrong"). But they now make a lot of sense to me.
Some things are too personal to relate fully, but have you ever had that feeling? Have you ever known that everything happening to you and unfolding before you was absolutely none of your own doing but instead was divine intervention and the mercies of God?
I guess the truth is that everything really fits into that category, although we don't always realize it as it is happening. But when you do recognize it as it happens, it is quite an experience. Feels kind of like having a front seat to watch Ammon defend King Lamoni's flocks and realizing what you are watching is about much more than some scattered sheep and a strong servant.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Pillow method
Want a great tool to use the next time you feel someone has done you wrong (assuming writing a good country song doesn't work). Could be a neighbor, spouse, child, or anyone else for that matter. This is called the Pillow Method. I've tried it several times before personally, and it is a great way to take yourself through the steps of seeing things from multiple points of view. I think it is best used for very serious disagreements/misunderstandings. Here are the steps:
Write out the following in narrative format, providing as much evidence to support each position below as you can:
Write out the following in narrative format, providing as much evidence to support each position below as you can:
- I am completely right and the other person is completely wrong.
- The other person is completely right and I am completely wrong.
- We are both right at the same time.
- It really doesn't matter that much which of us is right.
- There are pieces of the truth in all four statements above.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Joy cometh in the morning
When I was a young father, I worked overnight shifts at a group home for adults that had schizophrenia. They each lived in their own apartment, but needed someone living close by to help them when they started feeling afraid, alone, or needed some other type of support. Each had a story, although some could barely remember it. They each had a family somewhere, but few ever visited. One lady in particular really had a painful life. She had some beautiful young children who were removed by CPS because she was deemed to be an unfit parent. Her parental rights were severed, they were adopted, and she never saw them again. Their pictures in hand, she cried herself to sleep most nights. Many of of the men and women who lived there kept the television on day and night, because it left too lonely of a feeling to turn it off.
I had challenges of my own, or so I thought. My body didn't respond well to working overnights, and I was always exhausted. I missed my wife and young son, who I got to spend little time with. I made about $1200 per month, and my family's health insurance premiums cost about $850. That obviously didn't leave much for anything else, so we had to find other ways to bring in some money. I wondered how long this would continue, and I didn't see any end in sight.
My sister had challenges. She thought she had found the man of her dreams, but she had just found out that he was moving on and the relationship wasn't heading where she hoped it had been heading. This was her first real boyfriend, although she was now an adult, and she worried she'd never find someone again.
My mom had challenges. One night she called me while I was working in the middle of the night and was crying so hard she could barely talk. I don't remember what was wrong, I just remember the pain in her voice and thinking for the first two minutes of the call that it was one of the adults at the group home calling for support.
All these things weighed on my mind. Why do people suffer? How do you endure even one more day when it feels unbearable? How do you find a ray of hope in complete darkness? A thought came to my mind that my mom told me often growing up -- "sometimes all you can pray is that you can make it through the night."
The thoughts of my mother, my young family at home, my sister, and especially the woman living in the group home who had lost her children stayed on my thoughts throughout the remainder of that night. I pulled out a pen and paper and wrote this song:
Joy Cometh in the Morning
Over, finally through
Don't remember ever feeling so truly
Finished, such despair
'Life is ruined, and I don't even care
Hour upon hour lying here
Trying to hold back each crushing tear
I'm weeping for a night
There's nothing left to do
No sleeping this night
Forget that there's a morning
Following my mourning
And crying from my soul
Emptiness has taken control
Weeping shall endure this night so hard
This night, life broke my heart
Behold, I knock upon your door
As one who's been through weeping before
I carry a healing salve
Some rescue from your world that seems bad
Hour upon hour waiting here
Let me wipe away your painful tears
By healing you this night
Have faith that this is true
And cheering your heart tonight
Forget that awful sorrow
By choosing now to borrow
Some Balm of Gilead
To soothe your soul from everything sad
Weeping may endure this night of mourning
But joy cometh in the morning
Sometimes all we can do is pray to make it through the night. Thanks, mom, for those words of wisdom.
This Easter season, I am grateful for He that has been through weeping before...He that can heal. We sometimes bear burdens so great that no person on earth could ever understand. Only the one who suffered for the burdens of all can truly understand. He knows heartache, loneliness, rejection, betrayal, grief. He knows you and I.
I am a Marriage and Family Counselor, and I love the field of psychology. But one thing I know for certain is that theories of behavior are man's ideas of how to help one another. They can help, but nothing heals like the healing of the Savior of Mankind. And the funny thing is we don't always even realize that we are in the process of being healed in the very moment we think we've been abandoned.
I am grateful that there was one who loved us enough to make this sentence true:
"The chastisement of our peace was upon him, and with his stripes, we are healed."
For those who find themselves in the middle of a dark night: Believe and hope that joy, and healing, cometh in the morning.
I had challenges of my own, or so I thought. My body didn't respond well to working overnights, and I was always exhausted. I missed my wife and young son, who I got to spend little time with. I made about $1200 per month, and my family's health insurance premiums cost about $850. That obviously didn't leave much for anything else, so we had to find other ways to bring in some money. I wondered how long this would continue, and I didn't see any end in sight.
My sister had challenges. She thought she had found the man of her dreams, but she had just found out that he was moving on and the relationship wasn't heading where she hoped it had been heading. This was her first real boyfriend, although she was now an adult, and she worried she'd never find someone again.
My mom had challenges. One night she called me while I was working in the middle of the night and was crying so hard she could barely talk. I don't remember what was wrong, I just remember the pain in her voice and thinking for the first two minutes of the call that it was one of the adults at the group home calling for support.
All these things weighed on my mind. Why do people suffer? How do you endure even one more day when it feels unbearable? How do you find a ray of hope in complete darkness? A thought came to my mind that my mom told me often growing up -- "sometimes all you can pray is that you can make it through the night."
The thoughts of my mother, my young family at home, my sister, and especially the woman living in the group home who had lost her children stayed on my thoughts throughout the remainder of that night. I pulled out a pen and paper and wrote this song:
Joy Cometh in the Morning
Over, finally through
Don't remember ever feeling so truly
Finished, such despair
'Life is ruined, and I don't even care
Hour upon hour lying here
Trying to hold back each crushing tear
I'm weeping for a night
There's nothing left to do
No sleeping this night
Forget that there's a morning
Following my mourning
And crying from my soul
Emptiness has taken control
Weeping shall endure this night so hard
This night, life broke my heart
Behold, I knock upon your door
As one who's been through weeping before
I carry a healing salve
Some rescue from your world that seems bad
Hour upon hour waiting here
Let me wipe away your painful tears
By healing you this night
Have faith that this is true
And cheering your heart tonight
Forget that awful sorrow
By choosing now to borrow
Some Balm of Gilead
To soothe your soul from everything sad
Weeping may endure this night of mourning
But joy cometh in the morning
Sometimes all we can do is pray to make it through the night. Thanks, mom, for those words of wisdom.
This Easter season, I am grateful for He that has been through weeping before...He that can heal. We sometimes bear burdens so great that no person on earth could ever understand. Only the one who suffered for the burdens of all can truly understand. He knows heartache, loneliness, rejection, betrayal, grief. He knows you and I.
I am a Marriage and Family Counselor, and I love the field of psychology. But one thing I know for certain is that theories of behavior are man's ideas of how to help one another. They can help, but nothing heals like the healing of the Savior of Mankind. And the funny thing is we don't always even realize that we are in the process of being healed in the very moment we think we've been abandoned.
I am grateful that there was one who loved us enough to make this sentence true:
"The chastisement of our peace was upon him, and with his stripes, we are healed."
For those who find themselves in the middle of a dark night: Believe and hope that joy, and healing, cometh in the morning.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Did you ever look in the mirror and wonder?
When I was a young teenager, I'd often look in the mirror and wonder what I would look like when I was an adult. It was so hard to imagine. I'd wonder who would want to marry me someday. That was also hard to imagine. I'd wonder what my kids would look like...even more difficult to picture.
The funny thing is, I remember thinking mostly in a negative way back then. Like, I'll probably be ugly when I'm older. Who will ever want to marry me? My kids will definitely be funny-looking if they look like me. Not sure why I thought that way back then--maybe it was Junior High at its finest. And I'm not really sure when it changed.
I had friends growing up, yet I remember being alone a lot, even in high school. There were more social moments--I did things with friends after school, on weekends, etc. I was in the school band, some clubs and extracurricular activities. But I felt like no one really knew me or understood me, and I guess you could say that I never had a strong sense of self-esteem.
And yet, here I am today, married to one of the most beautiful women on earth, kids that I think are adorable, hold two master's degrees, am the CEO of a company that was built from the ground up, and many other things I never pictured myself doing or being back when I was in Junior High.
Somewhere along the line, I stopped thinking in such negative terms and started taking some risks and opening up. But, you want to know a secret? I'm really not all that different today. I don't think of myself as good-looking, don't feel smart and powerful, and I don't really know why anyone would want to be my friend. Not in the same Junior Highish low self esteem kind of way...I just am not a person who thinks of himself as being all that significant.
Except that I have tremendous confidence that God can make something of me and can work good through me, my many faults notwithstanding. I believe that with His help, anything is possible. I am confident talking to people, not because I think I am someone special who can help them, but because I am fascinated by them and care about them.
So, I still look in the mirror and wonder what I'll look like in 10 or 20 years and what I'll be doing. The only difference is in Junior High I used to wish I'd make a lot of money, marry the prettiest girl or be someone significant. And now, all I really care about is being a good dad, providing for my family and figuring out what God would have me do with my life. That is what I have learned happiness to be.
The funny thing is, I remember thinking mostly in a negative way back then. Like, I'll probably be ugly when I'm older. Who will ever want to marry me? My kids will definitely be funny-looking if they look like me. Not sure why I thought that way back then--maybe it was Junior High at its finest. And I'm not really sure when it changed.
I had friends growing up, yet I remember being alone a lot, even in high school. There were more social moments--I did things with friends after school, on weekends, etc. I was in the school band, some clubs and extracurricular activities. But I felt like no one really knew me or understood me, and I guess you could say that I never had a strong sense of self-esteem.
And yet, here I am today, married to one of the most beautiful women on earth, kids that I think are adorable, hold two master's degrees, am the CEO of a company that was built from the ground up, and many other things I never pictured myself doing or being back when I was in Junior High.
Somewhere along the line, I stopped thinking in such negative terms and started taking some risks and opening up. But, you want to know a secret? I'm really not all that different today. I don't think of myself as good-looking, don't feel smart and powerful, and I don't really know why anyone would want to be my friend. Not in the same Junior Highish low self esteem kind of way...I just am not a person who thinks of himself as being all that significant.
Except that I have tremendous confidence that God can make something of me and can work good through me, my many faults notwithstanding. I believe that with His help, anything is possible. I am confident talking to people, not because I think I am someone special who can help them, but because I am fascinated by them and care about them.
So, I still look in the mirror and wonder what I'll look like in 10 or 20 years and what I'll be doing. The only difference is in Junior High I used to wish I'd make a lot of money, marry the prettiest girl or be someone significant. And now, all I really care about is being a good dad, providing for my family and figuring out what God would have me do with my life. That is what I have learned happiness to be.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Soul Mates
Do you believe in soul mates? A soul-to-soul connection between two people that transcends this earth life? Feels more like a reconnection than anything. A reconnection with someone you are certain you've known forever; a familiarity unlike any other.
I do, because I feel like I've experienced it (is it possible for a carton of Haagen Dazs to be your soul mate, because I sometimes think we are a match made in heaven?) OK, kidding aside, I feel like I've experienced the feeling with my wife.
But, I've also seen some of the dangers of it in how the perception of soul mates plays out in the world.
For example, two individuals meet, fall in love instantly, and realize they are true soul mates. Years later, they have grown distant, no longer appear to care for one another, and end up divorcing. They no longer feel they were "soul mates"--they explain it as a romantic delusion in which they no longer believe.
I've also seen it happen that a person searches all their life for a soul mate, never to find one that seems to click in that "one and only" kind of way. They live their whole life searching and looking, often very lonely and frustrated to never have found their soul mate.
So, I think it is wonderful to find someone that is a soul-to-soul connection, but I think it is even more important to make whoever you find and marry become the "one and only" for you. Feelings of romance go up and down for a variety of reasons (stress, hormone levels, tiredness, patience, kids, mental health, to name only a few). If we connect an expectation of constant romantic bliss to marriage, "soul mates" sometimes start worrying that they have become "stale mates."
One answer is to do things to consistently nourish the marriage relationship. Soul mates or not, few marriages survive, let alone flourish, without constant work. Another answer is to be committed to make your partner become and remain your perfect soul mate rather than constantly looking for evidence as to whether or not he or she is your soul mate.
And it helps if you avoid reading Jack Weyland books, in which the characters often realize they are soul mates and then end up marrying someone else instead. Drama, right?
I do, because I feel like I've experienced it (is it possible for a carton of Haagen Dazs to be your soul mate, because I sometimes think we are a match made in heaven?) OK, kidding aside, I feel like I've experienced the feeling with my wife.
But, I've also seen some of the dangers of it in how the perception of soul mates plays out in the world.
For example, two individuals meet, fall in love instantly, and realize they are true soul mates. Years later, they have grown distant, no longer appear to care for one another, and end up divorcing. They no longer feel they were "soul mates"--they explain it as a romantic delusion in which they no longer believe.
I've also seen it happen that a person searches all their life for a soul mate, never to find one that seems to click in that "one and only" kind of way. They live their whole life searching and looking, often very lonely and frustrated to never have found their soul mate.
So, I think it is wonderful to find someone that is a soul-to-soul connection, but I think it is even more important to make whoever you find and marry become the "one and only" for you. Feelings of romance go up and down for a variety of reasons (stress, hormone levels, tiredness, patience, kids, mental health, to name only a few). If we connect an expectation of constant romantic bliss to marriage, "soul mates" sometimes start worrying that they have become "stale mates."
One answer is to do things to consistently nourish the marriage relationship. Soul mates or not, few marriages survive, let alone flourish, without constant work. Another answer is to be committed to make your partner become and remain your perfect soul mate rather than constantly looking for evidence as to whether or not he or she is your soul mate.
And it helps if you avoid reading Jack Weyland books, in which the characters often realize they are soul mates and then end up marrying someone else instead. Drama, right?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
100%
An instructor in my undergraduate program taught us that each partner in a marriage relationship needs to give 50%, so that it is a completely even give and take.
Later, an instructor in my graduate program taught us that each partner in a marriage needs to give 100%, because each should constantly be giving everything he or she has to the relationship.
When I did my counseling internship, however, my supervisor taught me that sometimes in a marriage, one partner has to give 150% while the other is only able to give 10%. And at other times, it is reversed. Then there are the times where each partner is whole and is able to give 100%. She said that strong marriages flex with the changes that happen in each partner's life, and they involve a give and take that sometimes means giving more than you get in return for a period of time. It is important not to feel bad when it is your turn to only be able to give 10% for a period of time, whether that is just for a day or whether it it is for a more extended period of time.
So, which do you agree with? My undergrad instructor, graduate instructor, or internship supervisor?
Later, an instructor in my graduate program taught us that each partner in a marriage needs to give 100%, because each should constantly be giving everything he or she has to the relationship.
When I did my counseling internship, however, my supervisor taught me that sometimes in a marriage, one partner has to give 150% while the other is only able to give 10%. And at other times, it is reversed. Then there are the times where each partner is whole and is able to give 100%. She said that strong marriages flex with the changes that happen in each partner's life, and they involve a give and take that sometimes means giving more than you get in return for a period of time. It is important not to feel bad when it is your turn to only be able to give 10% for a period of time, whether that is just for a day or whether it it is for a more extended period of time.
So, which do you agree with? My undergrad instructor, graduate instructor, or internship supervisor?
Monday, April 6, 2009
My girl
I love being a father to five wonderful children. We had four boys in a row, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. But, there is something extra special about having a baby girl at the end of the group. This is hard to beat!
Opposites attract?
We've all heard that opposites attract. We've probably all also met someone who married an opposite and had a miserable marriage the rest of his or her life.
Ever met a couple that seemed to share every interest in common? Both love hunting, scrap booking, watching college football and David Letterman, reading fiction novels, a good facial, and sipping hot chocolate on the back porch swing while listening to the breeze.
So, which is better...spouses with different interests that intersect in just a few areas, or those that have everything in common?
Or does it even matter?
You tell me what you think, and I'll answer with what I think in an updated post later.
Ever met a couple that seemed to share every interest in common? Both love hunting, scrap booking, watching college football and David Letterman, reading fiction novels, a good facial, and sipping hot chocolate on the back porch swing while listening to the breeze.
So, which is better...spouses with different interests that intersect in just a few areas, or those that have everything in common?
Or does it even matter?
You tell me what you think, and I'll answer with what I think in an updated post later.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Reframe
We all know how to do it. Take something that others could view as negative, but say it in a positive way instead.
Example: As a teenager, you bring home a date your mother doesn't seem to like. "He is rebellious", says your mother. Quick to his defense, however, you label the same behavior as "free-spirited." He is not cheap, he is frugal. You get the idea. This is called reframing: casting behavior or character traits, that others could view as negative, in a positive light.
Those same traits we once defended in a loved one, their initial charm having worn thin, often become the very things we criticize later in our relationship. "My mother/friend/neighbor/etc. was right... you are irresponsible and insensitive."
Highly trained, the other partner recites the positive side of those traits: "I am not irresponsible, I just put the more important parts of life first, like having fun. And I'm not insensitive--I am just honest."
So, what is the difference between the two sides of the coin? Only the attitude and perspective of the person speaking. We can frame any character trait as admirable and well-intentioned, or we can frame it as evil and selfish.
Think of the people you love most. Are you spending more of your time casting their traits as deficits or as strengths? Do your words describe the positive aspects of their character, or those that are more negative? If things have devolved for a period of time, we sometimes face a very tough question: Have we entirely lost the ability to see the positive side of those traits we once admired?
What is really tricky is we may have convinced ourselves that we are only doing the other person a favor by pointing out their faults (so that they can change them).
Use your power to label carefully. Not only do we risk the chance of others becoming more and more like our descriptions of them, we become more and more blind to the fact that the "monster" we are learning to resent is in some ways one of our own making. Not that we control their actions, but that we have learned to view the negative side of everything they do, creating Frankenstein's monster in our own mind.
Reframing: It may be the greatest gift you can give a loved one today.
Altrusitic
Ever heard the philosophical question about whether anyone can truly be altruistic?
The argument goes something like this:
No one really can ever do anything truly altruistic because, whenever they do something that is nice for others, they are immediately reinforced by a rewarding, positive feeling. That good feeling keeps them doing more nice things for others. But, it really has little to do with liking others and more to do with wanting to feel good about themselves.
So, what do you think? You buy that argument?
The argument goes something like this:
No one really can ever do anything truly altruistic because, whenever they do something that is nice for others, they are immediately reinforced by a rewarding, positive feeling. That good feeling keeps them doing more nice things for others. But, it really has little to do with liking others and more to do with wanting to feel good about themselves.
So, what do you think? You buy that argument?
Words per day
When I was in college, I had a human development professor who said that men only typically speak about 7,000 words per day. He said women, on average, speak about 25,000 words per day. This was based on research about communication differences between genders (although there are studies reporting very different results on the same subject).
My question is this: With the invention of blogs, does the daily verbal word count of bloggers decrease with the amount of words they type? In other words, do we get some of our verbal communication needs through blogging and therefore speak less to live people?
Maybe so...ever gone online to write on your blog about something great that happened to you that your spouse wouldn't understand? Ever commented on other people's blogs instead of spending time talking to a person in your home? If so, did you use just as many of your daily verbal word allotment, or did it decrease?
My question is this: With the invention of blogs, does the daily verbal word count of bloggers decrease with the amount of words they type? In other words, do we get some of our verbal communication needs through blogging and therefore speak less to live people?
Maybe so...ever gone online to write on your blog about something great that happened to you that your spouse wouldn't understand? Ever commented on other people's blogs instead of spending time talking to a person in your home? If so, did you use just as many of your daily verbal word allotment, or did it decrease?
Mothers
To the one who awoke
In the middle of the night
Who for children's sake
Played with blocks, constructed kites
To the mom who knows
How to kiss away the pain
Of a scrape on the knee with gentle words
Mother, do you know your worth?
Who stayed up till dawn
Worried night after night
And with tears of faith
Prayed her kids would be alright
Who held on to hope
Even when it seemed so far
And who loves her children as they are.
Mother, you're a guiding star.
How, when at bedtime,
No child has a fear
For beneath your watch
No danger lingers near
Though exhaustion follows endless days
The work of mothers counts in countless ways
Building the leaders
Of nations yet to come
Raising the heroes
Of battles yet unwon
Mounting courage in the hearts of men
Bravery, tempered with compassion
May this honor to you
In this song so rightly earned
Pay remembrance to
All the sacrifice you've turned
From the depths of commitment
And wielded into strength
You're the rock and anchor of the race
The rock and anchor of the human race.
Copyright (c) 2000. Tim Penrod. All rights reserved.
In the middle of the night
Who for children's sake
Played with blocks, constructed kites
To the mom who knows
How to kiss away the pain
Of a scrape on the knee with gentle words
Mother, do you know your worth?
Who stayed up till dawn
Worried night after night
And with tears of faith
Prayed her kids would be alright
Who held on to hope
Even when it seemed so far
And who loves her children as they are.
Mother, you're a guiding star.
How, when at bedtime,
No child has a fear
For beneath your watch
No danger lingers near
Though exhaustion follows endless days
The work of mothers counts in countless ways
Building the leaders
Of nations yet to come
Raising the heroes
Of battles yet unwon
Mounting courage in the hearts of men
Bravery, tempered with compassion
May this honor to you
In this song so rightly earned
Pay remembrance to
All the sacrifice you've turned
From the depths of commitment
And wielded into strength
You're the rock and anchor of the race
The rock and anchor of the human race.
Copyright (c) 2000. Tim Penrod. All rights reserved.
Simplifying
Heard this quote recently:
"Simplify and serve, or you will multiply and manage."
In other words, simplifying one's life frees up time to serve others and do the things that are most important. Adding more things to one's life, even when those things are good, requires a lot more energy to manage those things.
My biggest challenge: I am at a time in life where there are a lot of things going on at once. Some of them are intentional, in hopes of having a more simple life in the future. But, perhaps I need to re-examine current priorities and spend more time in the "now". How about you?
"Simplify and serve, or you will multiply and manage."
In other words, simplifying one's life frees up time to serve others and do the things that are most important. Adding more things to one's life, even when those things are good, requires a lot more energy to manage those things.
My biggest challenge: I am at a time in life where there are a lot of things going on at once. Some of them are intentional, in hopes of having a more simple life in the future. But, perhaps I need to re-examine current priorities and spend more time in the "now". How about you?
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