When brothers are best friends

I remember many long, hot summers in Arizona as a child. My day would begin at 6 am with a few daily chores and breakfast. Shortly thereafter, my younger brother and I would go out in the backyard and play baseball before the sun could reach its full potential. It's much nicer to play ball in 95 degree morning shade at 8 am than to try to endure 110 degrees in the direct 2 pm sun.

After a few hours, we'd retire to the house and play baseball against each other on the Atari 2600 game system. On e day we played 50 9-inning games. We'd have lunch and then watch a ballgame together on the television--always the Atlanta Braves or Chicago Cubs in those days. Then we'd play ball on the Atari again and end the day with some evening baseball again in the yard. I passed many summer days away in this same fashion. And I was never bored.

This memory came back to me the other day when I came home and found my two youngest boys, one age 6 and one age 9, outside playing together. The older had a large hammer in his hand while the younger was lining up softball-sized rocks on the cement in front of him. Not long ago, the youngest pounded an impressive one-foot diameter hole in the stucco of our exterior wall--he wanted to see how well the hammer worked. This time, I thought, I caught them early enough to avoid any major damage. I asked them to put the hammer away and reminded them that homes are not for pounding holes.

The older of the two turned to me and said, in a matter-of-fact tone, "Dad, we are not pounding holes or breaking rocks, we are building a replica of the temple".

"Oh," I said.

Then I remembered the summer days of my youth and playing with my own brother. I was glad they were outside and getting along. So, I left them alone to finish building their temple replica.

Hidden treasures...

Our two-year-old daughter was playing in our bedroom yesterday. She has quite an imagination, so you never know what she is going to say next. So, I wasn't too shocked when I heard her call out, smiling, "look daddy, poopy." Thinking she was either pretending or teasing, I asked her to bring it to me. She walked over with a rather large, dark, round object glistening in her hand. It was evenly formed into a perfect circle, so I thought there was no way it really could have been human waste.

"See, it's poop," she said, "it's gross." She handed me the solid, dense object. I was relatively sure it was a leftover chocolate Easter Egg. Until I smelled it. Definitely poop! And now I was holding it in my hand. Now that I had it up close, I realized I was mistaken--it wasn't a perfect, round circle--there were actually several miniature "rocks" on the top side of it--maybe 10 of them. But they were also very small and evenly formed. This thing was definitely a thing of art!

She laughed and laughed as I flushed it down the toilet and chased after her so that I could wash her hands a few dozen times with antibacterial soap. After cleaning up, I asked her to show me where she found it. She walked over to my bed, lifted up edge of the comforter that hung down the side, just touching the floor, and pointed beneath my bed. "Right there", she said, pointing under my side of the bed. "Silly poopy hiding under daddy's bed."

Don't ask me how long it had been there or how she found it. I am just glad she didn't eat it (it really did look delicious before I knew what it was for sure). On the bright side--at least maybe we know why we've all been getting sick a lot lately!

How many kids does it take to make a birthday party 'worth it'?

Summertime is the season of birthdays at our home. All of our boys' birthdays fall between the end of school and the middle of July. Over the years, we have experimented with ideas for birthday celebrations. Sometimes we have a quiet get-together with our family. Other years, we have them invite a friend to a movie and buy their favorite takeout food. Then there are the years we do a full-fledged birthday party (read: spend more money).

So, as the birthday season begins at our home this month, we have to decide which it is going to be this year...small parties, big parties, or no parties at all. So, business person that I am, I decided to do a little math to help us make the decision.

Let's start with a question: How many kids does it take to make having a birthday party worth it (economically speaking, at least)?

And we need a scenario: You and your spouse take 10 kids to a pizza place (you know, the kind with the video games, characters that dress as animals, and the prize booth where the kids can trade in the tickets they earn on the games for anything from the inventory of Oriental Trading Company) for a birthday bash.

Here is an itemization of the true cost of the party as well as the return on the investment:

• 7 hours of parents time (1 to make and deliver invitations, 2 for party preparations, 3 for the party itself, and 1 for cleanup) at $50 per hour per parent: $700 total
  
• Invitations and postage (or gas, if you deliver them in person): $25 total
  
• Fee charged by the pizza place for food, drinks and game tokens: $20 per kid x 10 kids: 200, plus 8% tax: $216 total
  
• Party favors for the kids attending (this is a strange concept to me, but my wife insists it is normal--give the kids who come to the party gifts of their own): $5 per kid x 10 kids: $50 total
  
• A chiropractic adjustment for both parents after the party: $50 times two parents = $100 total
  
• A therapy session for two siblings of the child who had the party (because they were traumatized that they only got to go to the bouncy-thing place for their birthday party, which was not as good because it did not have a small human dressed as a stuffed mouse at it): $100 per session times two children: $200 total
  
• Liability insurance, in case any of your kid's friends' parents sue you when their child gets injured by the small, rotating helicopter ride at the party: $65 total
  
• Extra tokens for the birthday child, because you want them to have more than the 7 tokens each of the other children got as part of the package: $20 total
  
• Cake that you bring in for the party, since they party package does not include cake: $20
• Gratuity for the teenager that helps facilitate the party's arrangements (What! When I learned that this was expected, I couldn't believe it): $25 total
  
• Child care for all of your children after the party so the parents can get some rest: $35 total
  
• Replacing the toy truck your son received as a gift from a friend when it breaks 1 hour after the party ends: $10 t0tal
  
• Total cost of party: $1466
  

Return on investment:

• 8 of the children bring a gift for your child, averaging $10 per gift: $80 total
  
• A 1-inch bouncy ball and plastic spider for each of the 10 children from the prize stand at the pizza place: $0.50 total (if that)
• Endless smiles and happy memories for your child (priceless--so, it doesn't count in this example, since it is strictly 'economically speaking').
  

As is clear in the example, the pizza party with 10 kids ends up costing you about $1,385.50 more than it returns in economic value, and is definitely NOT WORTH IT!

How do you turn this scenario around and break even? How many kids would you need to invite to the party, assuming each gift they bring costs an average of $10? The answer may surprise you...it is impossible to make it worthwhile economically. Even if you invite 1000 kids, since each one you bring costs you $25 more dollars (a $20 party fee to the pizza place and $5 fee for their party favors) while the gift they bring is worth $10.00-- the more kids you invite, the worse off you are.

Use this simple formula to do the math yourself: 25x+1216=10x*0.8

So, it appears your only solution is if the guests bring gifts that are worth more than $10 a piece (please don't invite my kids to such a party, by the way; I'm not paying more than $10 for a party gift). How much would they need to spend on each gift to make it worth it? Calculate it yourself, if you like, using this this formula: 25x + 1216=yx*0.8 (where x is the number of kids attending and y is the cost per gift).

If you invited 10 kids, each of their gifts would need to be worth about $150. If you invited 100, each would need to be worth about $40. If you invited 1000 kids, each gift would need to be about $25. Then, a strange things starts to happen with the math. Make it 100,000 kids, and then 1,000,000 kids--the price per gift needed never drops below $25 per gift (because $25 is the real variable in the equation representing the admission price and party favor).

So, I figured we'd be safe if we invited just 1000 kids and insisted on a minimum gift value of about of $25 per kid, since anything more than 1000 doesn't change the result much.

And the cost for the party would be $26,216. but don't worry, it would produce $26,216 worth of gifts for your child! (And that is just to break even--if you want to MAKE money on the event, you'll have to increase the value-per-gift requirement).

If you'd like to follow this strong economic advice, I've gone ahead and included an invitation template for you to use:

Please join Johnny and 999 of his closest friends at the world's largest pizza restaurant for an evening of fun and games.

While you may have to wait in a long line to have a turn on the Ski Ball game, please know that you will receive a $5.00 party favor bag in exchange for pretending to be friends with our child.

Please make sure you bring a gift that worth at least $25.00 (or if less than $25.00, please bring the cash difference in value and give it to Johnny's parents).

RSVP by next Tuesday so that we can decide whether this party is economically viable (formulas available upon request for any interested parents).

After all of this dizzying analysis, I have decided we'll just give each of the kids $100 instead of a party and tell them to spend it however they would like. After all, they would be saving us a ton of time and money.

What wrecks a marriage?

Interesting article today on msnbc.com, essentially saying that boredom and feeling like your marriage is in a "rut" is more damaging than fighting. At least fighting involves caring. Reading this article made me think of one we discussed in college that claimed that love is nothing more than a rush of chemicals to your brain that makes you feel happy, and that humans are only built to be satisfied with the same partner for about 2-3 years. After that, the brain no longer produces those same chemicals associated with romantic love toward that same partner.

Our college class had a very strong, negative reaction to the "love is a chemical reaction" article, as did I. However, our instructor made a good point. If you do not take care to cultivate your marriage and do things to make it new, interesting and exciting, at the very least you will be depriving your brain of some of the happy chemicals it might otherwise send its way. And what marriage couldn't use a little refreshing once in a while?

While I don't buy the whole "love is nothing more than a chemical reaction" thing, there is no denying that hormones, chemicals and other biological factors have an impact on the way people feel and function. If that were not true, and if moods were completely a matter of choice, why would anyone choose to be depressed, stuck in a rut, or "blah?"

So, the new study cited in the MSNBC article has an interesting element. Couples need to do things to break out of their ruts, try new adventures, change up old patterns, and renew themselves once in a while. I loved the part about the sixty-year-old couple finding a new freshness to their relationship after taking up horseback riding. The wife commented, "I never knew how good he looked on a horse".

I guess a lot of this is common sense, but I am also acutely aware of how much I often resist breaking out of my comfort zone and doing things that are new and adventurous once in a while. I have worn the same hair style since I was age two, I've never been rafting, rappelling or skiing (water or snow). Maybe routines are comforting to me, or maybe I'm just lazy. But if I want to keep my spirits refreshed and my marriage renewed, I realize that I need to put more effort into mixing things up once in a while.

Maybe I'll put my left shoe on first tomorrow morning instead of the right one (or some other wild and crazy new thing). :)

Graduation

To all those graduating this year...congratulations!




Title: Graduation
Music: Wayne Penrod
Lyrics: Tim Penrod
Vocals: Laurie Hansen and Tim Penrod
(c) Copyright 2000. Tim Penrod. All rights reserved.
About MusicalGreetings

My wife, the superstar

Tonight, we had a neighborhood block watch party. We have a great neighborhood, but recently there has been an increase in vandalism, theft, graffiti and drugs. So, my wife worked closely with the city's police department and several neighbors and planned a kickoff event for a block watch program.

When my wife does something, though, she really does it. When the city told her that a normal block watch program has about 10-12 homes in it, she decided to split up our entire subdivision (over 300 homes) into "zones" and get them all to the kickoff event. For the past few weeks, there has been an all-out effort to get everyone involved. Fliers went up on the mail boxes (even though that is technically against the law--these minor kinds of things don't stop my wife, frustrated mail carriers of the world notwithstanding). Cookies were baked, a really cool guy in the neighborhood made a website for it, announcements were passed out door to door the night before, block captains were appointed, etc.

She was nervous--would anyone really come? In the Arizona 100 degree May heat? Well, I counted around 150 adults and about 50 children who showed up! That was really impressive, especially when you consider that some of them probably would have rather watched the American Idol finals. It was a pretty cool thing!

And the highlight of the evening? During the middle of the safety presentation by the nice Crime Prevention Officer, I realized that our two-year-old daughter was nowhere in sight. She had been playing with one of her two-year-old friends, running around in the nearly-endless greenbelt where the meeting was being held. Last I had seen her, she was with a group of about 50 kids, running around, having fun. I grabbed my six-year-old son and we went looking for them. Turned out they had walked about a quarter of a mile down the greenbelt, toward the (gated, thank goodness) canal. Just the two of them, dressed in Disney princess dresses, holding hands, walking down the greenbelt. I don't know where they were headed, but my son and I rounded them up and brought them back to the safety presentation.

If that isn't the classic Mary and Martha scenario, I don't know what is! Too busy keeping the neighborhood safe to realize our own two year old had wandered off.

Impending doom?

When we had our first child, my wife suffered from post-partum depression. I remember going to a doctor with her and my wife being asked whether she felt any feelings of impending doom. I thought that was the funniest question for some reason. Since then, we've joked about things that happen in life and how they register on the "impending doom" scale. Sometimes, it has to do with the particular event itself and how much of a challenge it is. However, more often, it has to do with where we are personally in adjusting to everything else going on. My child can spill the same cup of water on two different days, and one day I will think it is cute and help clean it up while on another day it may push me completely over the edge.

I go through some intellectual juggling each year as the end of the school year approaches. Is it a wonderful thing because the kids will get a break, be around more often, and we won't have to worry about following-up on homework assignments for a while? Or is there a feeling of impending doom because Arizona summer's heat is upon us for the next 3-4 months and the kids are going to be around all the time making a mess and getting in fights with one another?

Today, it feels more exciting than it does doom-ish. But, ask me again in a few weeks!

Gated communities

For the past two years (ever since we finished remodeling our house), my wife has been receiving weekly e-mails about houses that are for sale that match her vision of a place that has more room for always-growing teenagers. Looking at homes is a hobby she enjoys. For me, not so much. Just like I don't enjoy browsing greeting cards at the super market. I'm much more of a see it and grab it kind of person; never been a fan of window shopping.

Well, a particular house caught her attention about a week ago, so she decided to take the family for a drive to check it out (from the outside). I wasn't feeling well, so she agreed to drive if I would at least ride along and humor her. As we approached the neighborhood, we realized that the house was inside of a gated community. In my mind, that provided a simple answer: turn around and go home. However, in my wife's mind it provided a simple answer of a different sort: sneak in.

So, we waited outside of the place where you enter your secret combination to open the gate, but nobody came along that we could follow inside. But, someone was on their way out, so my wife quickly put the vehicle in gear and sped through the slowly-closing exit gate. Luckily, there were none of those spiky things that keep you from going into an area designed only for going out.

But that got me thinking. If my wife can figure out how to get a minivan full of people inside of this gated area, how much trouble would it really be for someone who wanted to rob or otherwise threaten the safety of the residents of the neighborhood?

I really have never understood gated communities. They certainly do not offer protection. I know many people who have been robbed or had property vandalized inside of very nice gated communities. In fact, in my mind they are kind of an open invitation to would-be thieves. Kind of like saying, "we've got some nice houses here that have some nice things inside of them, so we've put up a gate to make sure everyone knows this." If you wanted to maximize the value of your robbery, which one would you pick-- a neighborhood that appeared to have lots of valuable things in the homes or one that doesn't?

So, in honor of all the gated communities of the world, I offer my insider's list of fun ways to sneak into them:

Low tech ideas:

1) Follow a car in, maintaining a distance close enough to ensure the gates don't close on you, but far enough away not to seem overly-eager.

2) My wife's strategy--when you see someone coming out of the exit--you go in through the exit (and comment to the kids on the way "don't ever do what I just did whenever you have your drivers licenses).

3) Call a Realtor and tell them you'd like to view a property inside of the gated community. They will give you the code. Never show up for the appointment to see the house. Instead of buying a house, just sneak in at night and steal one.

4) Give the newspaper carrier, mail carrier, groundskeeper, pizza delivery guy or any number of other outside service people $20 if they will give you the code.

5) Stand near the key pad and watch the code that someone types in. Try it and you'll be surprised--they really will go ahead and type it in with you standing there. If you are nervous about being caught, grab a weed eater and wear a sun hat so you can pretend you are keeping the grounds.

High tech ideas:

1) Install a mini spy camera on the key pad to record the key strokes of someone entering their secret combination.

2) Drive through the gate with a tank, tearing it down as you go.

3) Place a wiretap on the phones of several strategic homes in the neighborhood and monitor their conversations day and night until they reveal the code to someone.

4) Enter #*##* on the keypad. I got a bulk e-mail that says it works on any gated community's keypad.

No offense to any who live within the security of a gated community--maybe we will someday. But, I really think the only people they keep out are those, like me, who WANT to keep the rules. Brave individuals like my wife can always find a way in!

Many mothers..

I had a professor in college who said he sent a bouquet of flowers each mother's day to his mother, grandmother, each of his sisters and each of his daughters. That's a lot of flowers! Although I've never done this, I do stop and think about the different mothers that I am grateful for on Mother's Day.

My own mother was brave enough to bring seven children into this world. Although I'm sure she thought the hard parts were done when the last left home, I think she is realizing that a mother's concern and worry for her children lasts a lifetime.

My maternal grandmother has passed on, but she was one of my greatest role models as a child, and my life will always be better because of her example and impact she had on my life. I always wanted to make her proud. My paternal grandmother is the last of my grandparents still living. She has a different way of showing love than my mother's side of the family, but I've got at least 20 pounds of fat on my body carried from my childhood until now that represent the bowls of ice cream I enjoyed at her house every week of my pre-adulthood life (and she always gave me extra).

Then there is my wife. One of the first times I realized I was attracted to her was a few weeks after we met and we were at a park. She started playing with some children that were having fun on the swings, and I have admired her ability to connect with children ever since. Both as the mother of our children and as my best friend and companion, I can never be grateful enough for the ways knowing her and being with her have changed my life.

And then there are the various women in the neighborhoods, church congregations, schools and communities in which we have lived who have made such a difference on my life growing up as well as that of my children. They may not think twice about it, but I will always be grateful for the ways they have protected, nurtured, and taught my children...something that no parents can ever do adequately alone. These are the many mothers of the community that every child needs.

So, this Mother's Day, I hope all the good women of the world are given a break from the daily grind and able to enjoy a day of being honored, served and loved.

Here are a few Mother's Day songs we produced from Musical Greetings, ranging in style from reflective to country to barbershop-style harmony. Hope your Mother's Day is great!

1) Mothers



Title: Mothers (condensed version)
Music: Wayne Penrod
Lyrics: Tim Penrod
Vocals: Tim Penrod (please excuse the shaky vocals!!!)
Copyright (c) 2000. Tim Penrod. All rights reserved.

2) I was no easy thing


Title: I was no easy thing
Music: Tim Penrod
Lyrics: Tim Penrod
Vocals: Laurie Hansen

Lyrics:
I was born on the day of your greatest pain
And I know that since then, I was no easy thing
But you stuck by my side
Through my trouble and my pride
And you've always been the one
The one constant thing

So, here's a happy day
For the one who never tired
Who was there through hard times all along
And the happy memories
Are the north star guiding me
You're the only one 'could be
And you'll always be for me
And your title, lovingly, is 'Mom'

3) Happy Mother's Day


Title: Happy Mother's Day
Music: Wayne Penrod
Lyrics: Tim Penrod
Vocals: Tim Penrod
Copyright (c) 2000. Tim Penrod. All rights reserved.

And from previous posts:

4) Mother, Mother I Love You (sung by 4 year-old Spencer)

5) Happy Mother's Day to the One that I Love (written and sung by 3 year-old Spencer)

Loss

In the field of family therapy, loss is a big subject. We all have lost something or someone, and the impact upon us varies from being mildly challenging to being devastating.

Some losses are easy to spot, such as losing someone to death. Others are fairly obvious, but we do not always stop to consider them as losses. Examples may include moving far away from a friend or loved one or going through a divorce. The excitement of a new place to live or the relief felt from gaining distance from the contention that often leads to a divorce sometimes masks the loss associated with such changes.

And then there are losses that we may not even recognize. For example, losing 50 pounds may seem like a dream come true, but it is likely accompanied by several types of losses (your old self, comfort food while watching David Letterman, a sedentary and comfortable lifestyle, and even the physical loss of fat causes your body to go through adjustments). Other examples could include changing volunteer positions at church or in the community, leaving second grade and moving on to third, graduating from diapers to real underwear, cutting up a credit card, breaking a bad habit, and many other changes that are such a part of life.

One thing I think is interesting is some of these losses carry a "yeah...but" part to them...as in, "yeah, it may have been a loss, but it was a good loss." However, even when a change is positive, it is important to recognize the losses associated with the positive change and be prepared for the impact of such losses.

So, what do you do once you recognize a loss? The answer is different for everyone, but here are some examples others have found helpful:

• Express gratitude for recognizing the impact the loss is causing in your life or in the life of a loved one.
• Realize that the degree of challenge you are experiencing adjusting to the loss in neither good nor bad--it just is. Whether you are having a very difficult time adjusting or whether it is a relative small impact, it is a normal reaction and is not an indication of your strength or character.
  
• Accept that what is a loss to you may be a gain to someone else. For example, losing a loved one to death is a loss to you, but it is also a gain to others (such as the end of suffering for the person, the reuniting with God or loved ones in the afterlife, etc.).
• Give yourself permission to to grieve the loss no matter how large or small that loss seems to others. And if it still hurts, it is still okay to grieve--even if it has been years since the loss.
• Do not get hung up trying to make sense out of why the loss still hurts. It is okay to be sad, angry, frustrated, devastated, or any other reaction you are having to the loss. It is part of experiencing the range of emotions we need to feel better. A great example from the Bible is how Christ mourned the passing of a dear friend with tears, even though he was about to raise that friend from the dead. Surely, he must have known he could and would raise him from the dead, yet the Bible records, "Jesus wept."
  
• Surrender to a higher power. Turn over your broken heart again and again and again. Trust that this higher power, whatever that means in your life, has a plan and purpose for your life and that all changes are a part of that plan. If you were in charge of the universe, why might you allow someone like you to go through such loss and suffering? What positive elements might arise from it? What might you be shaping them to become? (See CS Lewis quote below for one perspective on this).
  
• Just make it through today and do not concern yourself too much about whether tomorrow will be any better. If you cannot see how you can make it through today, just make it through this hour. If you cannot make it through this hour, make it through the next minute.
  
• There may be a few good days, or even weeks, in a row followed by a day where all you can do is pray for strength to make it through the next moment. This is normal and is okay.
• Remember the happy memories associated with whatever it is you have lost. While it may be too painful to think of them at first, with time they will become memorialized as a treasured part of your life.
• Write a letter, a song, a prayer or make something tangible for the person or thing you have lost. It doesn't matter that they may not know about it or receive it.
  

Thinking about losses in a larger context has helped me to have patience and empathy for someone facing significant emotional struggles. Whether it is in the form of a two year old having a temper tantrum, a teenager feeling discouraged, a couple having marital difficulties, or one who has lost his or her companion to death. It helps me stop and think about the types of losses that may exist in their life and may be part of the story behind their current emotional struggles.

We each have things that comfort us when we experience losses. Here are two of mine...a quote by CS Lewis and a song I wrote for a friend who had experienced a significant loss when I wished there was something I could do or say to make it better.

From CS Lewis:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what he is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised.

But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is he up to? The explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.

You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but he is building up a palace. He intends to come and live in it himself.

C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity

Song: Loss

Lyrics:

Where are words today?
Ones that heal, and take the pain away?
Does the world know it's shorter now by one?
One is gone, one's journey now is done

I'm mourning for your loss,
Though I may not know the cost
I'm hurting from inside for your pain
And I am sorry for your loss

May you find the power to get through
May a peace and comfort be with you
Peace be with you

Title: Loss
Music: Tim Penrod
Lyrics: Tim Penrod
Vocals: Laurie Hansen
Copyright (c) 2000. Tim Penrod. All rights reserved.

Mother's Day

Happy early Mother's Day.




Title: Mother, Mother, I Love You
Music & Lyrics: Wayne Penrod
Vocals: Spencer Penrod (Age 4)
Copyright (c) 2000. MusicalGreetings.com. All rights reserved.

Like my dad part III

Okay, before I move on and continue trying to justify the strange ways that I am like my father, I want to reiterate that these are in the spirit of humor (mostly). I really do have struggles with all three areas, but have learned to enjoy camping, swimming and dogs (small ones, at least) to a reasonable degree. I have to give that disclaimer before moving on to the last area--dogs--because of the three areas, people tend to have the strongest protective feelings about this one.

But before moving on to dogs, just in case anyone doubted the previous post about swimming, check out this link http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=53127 (pay special attention to the tips at the bottom of the article!). Happy swimming, everyone!

Now, this next subject is perhaps the most controversial. Make fun of water and camping all you want, but don't insult Fido (or Rex, Spot, or Fifi). So, I will approach this topic gingerly (we once had a dog named Ginger, by the way, but the pun wasn't intended).

I lived in the small town of Kennesaw, Georgia for a while. They had a law that every resident had to own a gun (seriously). Perhaps not surprisingly, they had one of the lowest crime rates in the nation. Not all towns in Georgia had that law, but they all seemed to share an unwritten rule: Each household must own a dog. Or, at least it seemed that way to me while I was there as a missionary for my church.

Our form of transportation was often walking or bicycling, neither of which are particularly good options when nearly every home has at least one canine. I hadn't been too concerned about it until I was walking one afternoon down a beautiful, tree-lined road in a small Atlanta suburb. The city bus had just dropped us off, and we headed, on foot, toward the home at which we had an appointment. A few homes before our destination, a large dog appeared at the end of the driveway. He was not happy to see us at all and made it known by his angry barking. Knowing I wasn't the worlds biggest dog fan, my missionary partner called out "here boy!" As soon as I heard those words, I knew we were in trouble. This dog didn't want to play, he wanted to, as a dog lover would say, "protect". Attack is probably a more accurate word. He came at us full steam ahead, and my partner, athletic guy that he was, climbed on top of a car. He laughed as he continued, "Here boy...get him!".

Let me pause here to say that I am not a climber. When I was a kid, I never climbed trees or fences. I try to stay away from ladders or anything else with steps. So, climbing a car, which has no steps, was not really an option for me. At the time, I didn't know what I would do for a living, but something in me must have known I was destined to be a therapist, because, what did I do? I talked the dog out of attacking me. I literally leaned against the car, heart racing and trying to act as calm as possible, and I spoke soft, kind words to him, telling him that he didn't really need to be so angry and that I was sure we could work things out rationally.

I don't remember much of what happened after that, but I think it must have been like Daniel and the lion's den, because somehow the dog called off the attack, my partner got off the top of the car, and we were in the home a few doors down for our appointment. I still had adrenaline pumping when the family said to their son, "Go get Toby to show these boys". I didn't know who Toby was, but I was not kept in suspense for long.

Toby turned out to be a dog, only he was the size of a small horse. I am not kidding, and I am sure there is a name for this breed, but the top of his head and my head were at the same level. This opened up a new world for me: there are dogs the size of humans walking around! This one turned out to be pretty docile, but even if he just stepped on me by accident, I would have been in trouble.

The next two years held many opportunities for daily dog interactions, which gave me plenty of time to consider the many reasons I didn't want a dog around for the rest of my life:

1) Dog are all stuck in the Oral stage of Freud's stages of development. Whether they like you or hate you, you are going to experience something relating to their mouth...licking, biting, drooling. It comes with the territory. I prefer a pet that keeps its mouth to itself, thank you.

2) Have you ever seen what a dog puts in its mouth? I'm not just talking about dog food, although that is pretty gross all by itself. There is a verse in the Bible that talks about a dog returning to its vomit (to eat it). And if that is not enough, they eat what comes out the other end as well. No wonder their breath smells like it does. Someone once told me a dog's mouth is cleaner than that of a baby because of the enzymes in a dog's saliva. That gives me little comfort. Even if it were clean, which I highly doubt (come on, if it were true, wouldn't they bottle up dog saliva and use it as a cleaning product? We could keep our kitchens spotless by spraying the super enzyme dog drool everywhere), what good is clean if it stinks? Now, if dog breath smelled more like fresh citrus, maybe I'd concede this point. But when it smells like all of the stuff they eat, I'm keeping my distance.

3) Dog owners all think their pets are the kindest, most peaceful creatures ever. I've been through this little dialogue exchange more than once:

Owner: "Don't worry, Jack doesn't bite"
Me: "Nice Jack" (petting him cautiously and making a mental note to find some hand sanitizer as soon as possible after leaving the home)
Jack: Bites me on the hand (or leg, or shoe, etc.)
Owner: "I'm sorry, he never has bit anyone before"

4) Can you imagine how many friends you'd make if you went up to strangers and sniffed them all over? Yet we think it is so charming when dogs do this. Well, not me. I have been sniffed too many times in places where I just wasn't comfortable. Nothing is worse than losing sleep over whether you've been violated by a dog.

5) Dogs get combined with the other two things I have struggles with: swimming and camping. In swimming you've got "Dog Paddle", which is hard to do without thinking of all of the above problems with dogs in general. Then you've got people who want to take their dog swimming with you. Wow! That is like taking the problems with dogs and swimming and magnifying their effects exponentially. While camping, it doesn't make sense to bring your dog along. First of all, if I have to leave my computer at home, you should have to leave your dog. Remember, we are trying to get away from regular life when we camp? Second, dogs sound too much like bears when they walk around in the middle of the night.

I feel much better now that all of this business about camping, swimming and dogs is off my chest. On the one hand, it is good to come clean about it all. On the other hand, I do not look forward to the awkward looks I know I will get the next time I see one of you on a camp out, swimming activity, or the next time I am at your home politely petting your dog and pretending not to be bothered at all. The good news is, I like my kids, friends and neighbors more than I dislike any of the things I've written about, so I will endure what everyone else enjoys the best I can. If these postings have not convinced the world to cancel all camping activities, eliminate swimming entirely and rid the earth of dogs, then...well, at least I tried.

Thanks, Dad, for passing on these traits. Whether they are genetic or behavioral, we may never know, but I am not sure it really matters. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go pack for the annual father and sons campout coming up next week!

There is nothing like the voice of a child

After composing and recording about 20 songs, we launched the website for Musical Greetings and sat back to see whether anyone would actually order one of the songs. To our amazement, someone did right away. Guess which song?

Our 3 year old son, Spencer, had been watching all of the recording we were doing and wanted in on the action. So, I recorded him singing "his song", which he made up on the spot. He wanted to do a mother's day song, because he heard me doing a mother's day song. I thought it was cute, so I made some background orchestration to add to it and we posted it as one of our original mother's day songs.

And guess what? It was the very first order! Here it is (we apparently had done a wonderful job teaching him about what it means to appreciate your mother on mother's day, judging by the words to the song).




Title: Happy Mother's Day
Music: Spencer Penrod
Lyrics: Spencer Penrod
Vocals: Spencer Penrod
Orchestration: Tim Penrod
(c) Copyright 1999. Tim Penrod. All rights reserved.

Lyrics:
Happy Mother's Day to the one that I love
My dad will pay you some money
Alright indeed
If you insist
I will give you my piggy bank
OK