It's a hit -- parenting in public

What do you do when your young child throws a tantrum in a public place? Classic parenting question, right? I witnessed it again today in the parking lot of a grocery store after work. Two women (one apparently the mother and the other the grandmother) had a three-year-old in a shopping cart, heading (in the 110 degree Arizona afternoon weather) to their vehicle. I'm not sure what he wanted, but the child screamed and kicked, making a bit of a scene. The younger of the two women quickly struck the child on his rear end, yelling (louder than the child's screams) "be quiet." He did not quiet down; instead, he screamed louder and began hitting. The older of the two women swatted the child and added "that's what you get for hitting." Mother and grandmother looked at each other with congratulatory approval for their fine parenting technique.

I am amazed at how often this logic prevails in parenting. When you want a child to stop yelling, yell louder than him/her. When you want a child to stop hitting, hit him/her. It comes from the "Show the Child Who is Boss" mentality of parenting. I taught court-ordered parenting classes for several years earlier in my career, and I was amazed at the number of individuals who will argue this approach to the end (even if it is not what the judge wants to hear in order to return their child(ren) to their custody). I heard it often: "Forget all of this politically correct stuff...kids need to know who is in charge and to know that they don't cross lines with their parents or there is going to be a (physical) consequence." Or, "My parent beat the heck out of me all the time when I was a child and I turned out fine." Or, "Spare the rod, spoil the child (forget, for a moment, that the rod referred to here is actually a rod of firm and loving correction, not a rod for striking a person)."

Let's examine it from a few other perspectives though:

• Conditioning: punishment (yelling, hitting) can stop an undesired behavior, but usually only temporarily, and often with undesired side effects (resentment, physical injuries, legal action, etc.).
• Social learning: children learn by example. The example of yelling louder and angrier and hitting harder teaches this lesson: the person with the most physical power wins. Children who are screamed at and hit are more likely to scream at and hit their own children one day.
• Developmental: there is no developmental stage that says children need to be hit or screamed at in order to grow into responsible members of society.
• Communication: yelling and hitting teach that the person who is the most aggressive will be the one to get their way in a disagreement. The child remembers this lesson and saves up for the next argument--maybe they need to be louder and stronger to get their way.
• Reinforcement: although attention was obtained in an undesirable way, the child learns that he or she can get a grown up adult (or two of them) to be completely bent out of shape. That is a lot of power for such a small child to have. Why wouldn't they want more power like that in the future by causing similar scenes?
• Nurturing: a child who is tired, frustrated or overwhelmed may yell or hit. Hitting them back or yelling more loudly at them is not likely to provide the nurturing they need.
• Systems: engaging in the power struggle by escalating volume and hitting back continues the negative cycle of behavior and invites the child to "raise the stakes" either now or in the future to keep the cycle going.
  

So, although it comes perfectly natural to scream at a child who is creating a public display, two things are clear: 1) It is meeting your need as a parent to scream/hit and therefore show your peers that you are in charge and are not tolerating this behavior...it is not meeting a need of you child; 2) Rather than making it less likely to occur again in the future, these actions make it more probable that the scene will repeat itself over and over.

So, if you don't scream and you don't hit the child, what can you do? You tell me...

Teen-aged

Our oldest is now fourteen. Not sure how that happened, or how it happened so quickly. However, fourteen he is.

I drove him and a friend around the other day, and his friend commented that he only says five words per day to his family. I'm sure he doesn't actually count the words, but his point was that he doesn't talk to them much and that he is annoyed with them. This sort of mentality is starting to sound familiar with our own son.

There is a lot going on in his life. We just moved to another town, which will involve a new set of friends and a new school. This is his first year of high school. He has recently taken an increased interest in girls (part of the reason moving was so tough for him). He believes he is getting more mature, and therefore he is often more annoyed with younger kids, especially siblings. I'm sure hormones are rushing through his body with all of the accompanying joys of adolescence...He could sleep in until noon every day if we let him, is always hungry, fights acne daily and is often a bit aloof lately.

Incidentally, I remember all of these feelings acutely from my own teenage years. I remember my parents hollering for me to wake up and feeling like my body was completely wiped out. I remember being puzzled as to why my parents felt bad that I'd rather spend time with friends than with them. And I remember feeling like the proper serving size for pizza was an entire large box per person.

I'm not sure how much of our fourteen-year-old's recent melancholy and melodrama is from the recent move and how much is adolescence in general. Whatever it is, I wish I knew the magic answers for raising teenagers. It has officially begun.

For my wife

For our first anniversary, I wanted to find a way to capture my feelings about my wife and what it meant to me to be married to her. We lived in a college town in a very small apartment. Although we didn't have a piano, there was one in the music department on campus. For a few weeks, I went between classes to the piano rooms and wrote a song for her. On our anniversary, I brought her to one of the practice rooms and sang it for her. It was about how I felt I had married above me and about how I admired her love of the outdoors and all of God's creations.

I've never been good at singing. But because I have an ear for music, I can tell that I'm not always in tune and that I don't have the best vocal tone. But I hope the song meant something anyway. I just came across a copy of the song the other day. We've been married now for 15 years, and life certainly has changed. But I have the same feelings today I had back then when I wrote the song.

Hope you'll forgive the audio quality, the intonation and the screaming baby in the background toward the end!




Title: Her Castle All Around
Music and Lyrics: Tim Penrod
Copyright (c) 1994 Tim Penrod. All rights reserved.

Lyrics:

Just a boy
On a common walk that day
Far from any palace
Far from any fame
And so it shocked me
The sight that caught my eye
A sweet young princess
Suddenly went walking by

Angel face, tender eyes
Heart that's warm as fire
Pretty nose, funny toes
Princess, I'll never tire
Of your hair, soft and brown
Of your tears or sorrows
'Pure as gold beneath your crown
Inside your castle all around

Behind a tree
I watched from afar
Her grace and beauty
Surpassed all else by far
And the she saw me
Soon she knew my name
Her voice was soothing
Like freshly fallen rain

Angel face, tender eyes
Heart that's warm as fire
Pretty nose, funny toes
Princess, I'll never tire
Of your hair, soft and brown
Of your tears or sorrows
'Pure as gold beneath your crown
Inside your castle all around

The birds and trees
Were the subjects of her court
Her jurisdiction
Was no ordinary sort

From valleys low
To mountains in the sky
The open kingdom
Included everything in sight

Just a boy
A commoner, they say
Married to a princess
Recalling yesterday
Am I just dreaming?
Has this fairytale come true?
We're here together
With eternity to view

Angel face, tender eyes
Heart that's warm as fire
Keep me here right by your side
Princess, I'll never tire
Every day I'm here with you
The more that I'm inspired
I will always stay with you
Inside your castle all around

Parenting dilemma question of the day

Do you think it is alright to give a child Benedryl at night to help him or her learn to get to sleep better for short period of time?

Assume the child is at least age 6 (the age the label says a child needs to be to take Benedryl safely) and is not falling asleep until midnight each night even though he or she lays there in bed for hours trying to sleep.

Or, do you think this is not a good idea since Benedryl is for allergies, not sleep problems, and a child so young should not be given medication to help them sleep?

Conversations with my two-year-old

I got home from a day of meetings a few moments ago and enjoyed the following conversation with my two-year-old daughter (she is a few months shy of age three):

Me: Hi, B.

B: Hi, Daddy

Me: What are you wearing (it was some sort of pink material that looked like a blanket, all one piece, wrapped around her and tied in the back)?

B: A "super-thing" that mommy gave me so that I will be covered.

Me: Oh, it's pretty

B: Yeah, remember when I was in your tummy, Daddy?

Me: You were in my tummy?

B: Yeah, I was a little baby, and I was in your tummy. I was really cold, so I came out and I was 'borned.' And then I got my 'pack-pack' (backpack) and then I made pancakes.

Me: You made pancakes?

B: Yup. And now I'm wearing this 'super thing'.


And here is another conversation from the other day:

Me: (Seeing B standing up next to the toilet with her shirt lifted half-way up and her hand on her belly button). 'B, what are you doing?'

B: I'm trying to go potty.

Me: Why are you standing up?

B: I'm trying to go potty out of my belly button like T (her 6-year-old brother).

She made a few grunting noises and pushed on her belly button...but nothing came out. Never would guess she has four older brothers, would you?

Wicked, the musical (Don't read this, Tami Allen)

Kathy and I went to see Wicked this week on opening night. The seats were awesome...best I've ever had. I love musicals, and it is always great to get out on the town for a night. But, this one wasn't my favorite (sorry, Tami). The music was fine, and the costumes were pretty cool and colorful. However, the script seemed like a combination of Legally Blonde and Beauty and the Beast, in a pretty-predictable way. All in all, I think they just tried too hard...too hard to be funny, too hard to be sentimental, too hard to link everything logically, but with a twist, to the Wizard of Oz.

My only prior Broadway-type musical experiences were Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, all of which I loved. With Wicked, I kept waiting for the deep, thought-provoking lessons of life. Sure, they tried to put them in there, but it all came across too forced for my liking. Clearly, the ladies on either side of us, however, were having a very different experience. One kept shrieking, as if she were a 10-year-old at a Hannah Montanta concert. The lady on the other side was in tears a few times and swayed with the music...a lot.

It was still a fun night, and I've got a few of the tunes stuck in my head. Maybe I was expecting too much after hearing so much hype from coworkers and friends. Oh, well. At least now I know how the Tin Man, Lion, and Scarecrow came to be (and all this time, I thought Dorothy imagined them into her dream because they were her uncles and friends).